Reply to How to support friend who found out her partner is cheating?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "How to support friend who found out her partner is cheating?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thanks all! They are not married but do have children. I’ll be sure not to offer advice and just be a good listener. I certainly would never badmouth her partner, but I do tend to share my opinion on things so I will be extra mindful of that. Love the idea of providing distractions for her as appropriate.

[b]To the PP who said she may distance herself from me if she decides to stay, I will keep that in mind. I hope she knows that I would never judge her for staying or leaving, but it is good to be aware of any possible outcome[/b]. I just want to support her as best as I can in this season! [/quote]

One of the kindest things a good friend said to me was “If you ever decide it’s in your best interest to forgive him, I will never judge you for it.”  It’s worth saying some version of that out loud for her to hear.

You’re a good friend.  She’s lucky to have you.[/quote]

OP here. This is fantastic advice. Thank you. I will absolutely say this out loud to her when it’s the right time. Thank you, thank you! [/quote]

Ick. I would not have wanted a friend to say that to me - [b]it's low key sending the message that staying and forgiving is the right thing to do.[/b] My ex's cheating was bananas - so bananas that I couldn't even tell my friends all of it. If she'd said this to me, I would have felt gross - pushed into staying with someone who was slimy. Ick. Ick. Ick. I'm so grateful that my friends and family supported my ending the relationship. [/quote]

What? No it's not. You [b]clearly have some kind of trauma response[/b].

I don't think I'd stay with a cheating spouse but I'd support a friend who did because it's not my decision what they do with their life and all I care about is their happiness. [/quote]

Well, having gone through a relationship with a serial cheater who lied (enormous, complicated lies over more than a year), yes, I did experience complex post-traumatic stress. But, my “ick” is not a trauma response.  [b]It is the lived experience of someone who knows that many friends, family, professional therapists and popular resources actually encourage the woman to stay.  [/b]

What we think is in the message we are sending is not always how that message will be received.  There is a big difference, IMO, as the person who has been on the receiving end of support, between saying. “I will support you whatever you choose to do.” And “if you want to stay, I will support you.”  It may sound the same to you, but as the recipient, It doesn’t come across that way.

Women in these situations deserve to know first and foremost 1) you did not cause the cheating 2) you have no obligation to stay with someone who cheated 3) you are not responsible for fixing the cheater or helping him to figure out why he/she cheated and 4) no shame accrues to you about the cheating (I.e. all shame redounds to the cheater).  [/quote]

I’m sorry you got those messages. Why do people say this, do you think? Even professionals?[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics