Reply to if you're a "no divorce expect with abuse / cheating" person

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Reply to "if you're a "no divorce expect with abuse / cheating" person - what would you do in this situation"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Can you outsource a ton of things? It seems to me that a benefit to remaining married is that you have access to his paycheck. So use it. [/quote]

This. Get a nanny (or two) to help out so you can have down time. It’s really OK.

I know it sucks, OP. And I know you’re doing it all. And it is completely unfair. But based on what you have written, divorcing and coparenting with this man will be a nightmare.[/quote]

I keep coming back to that - it makes me sick to think what I put up with (the lashing out when he's angry, the picking up after another adult, the having my "partner" sit around and not lift a finger to help his family while I struggle to meet everyone's needs) but I think the uncertainty of what he'd do in divorce and the potential impact on the kids is a huge huge risk.  I really wish I could just emotionally except the situation any not carry around so much anger about it in the moment when i'm trying to calm 2 kids and make dinner while he sits there, or i'm getting up at 6 for the millionth weekend morning while he gets to sleep in 2 weekend mornings every single weekend, or while i'm picking up his laundry all over our room so I can have a clean tidy background.  A therapist once said "you can't force yourself to accept things that are unacceptable" but the potential divorce outcomes also feel unacceptable so i've got to find a way to make peace with one of the options[/quote]

I know. Your husband is an asshat. He might be a narcissist but I’m not a mental health provider. And it’s not fair, and you don’t deserve this. You deserve a partner who pulls his own weight. You deserve downtime.

But it sounds like this is somewhat manageable during the limited amount of time he is around.

Your kids will get older and more independent. They will sleep through the night soon. You will be able to leave them alone together watching TV or playing while you make dinner soon. There will be drop-off activities. Things get less hands-on. And then they become teenagers, and you become the uber driver. :)

When I was first divorcing, my lawyer told me “bad dads take custody from good moms”. Maybe I missed it, but I don’t believe you have written “but he’s a great dad!” or similar.
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