Reply to if you're a "no divorce expect with abuse / cheating" person

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Reply to "if you're a "no divorce expect with abuse / cheating" person - what would you do in this situation"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Can you outsource a ton of things? It seems to me that a benefit to remaining married is that you have access to his paycheck. So use it. [/quote]

This. Get a nanny (or two) to help out so you can have down time. It’s really OK.

I know it sucks, OP. And I know you’re doing it all. And it is completely unfair. But based on what you have written, divorcing and coparenting with this man will be a nightmare.[/quote]

I keep coming back to that - it makes me sick to think what I put up with (the lashing out when he's angry, the picking up after another adult, the having my "partner" sit around and not lift a finger to help his family while I struggle to meet everyone's needs) but I think the uncertainty of what he'd do in divorce and the potential impact on the kids is a huge huge risk.  I really wish I could just emotionally except the situation any not carry around so much anger about it in the moment when i'm trying to calm 2 kids and make dinner while he sits there, or i'm getting up at 6 for the millionth weekend morning while he gets to sleep in 2 weekend mornings every single weekend, or while i'm picking up his laundry all over our room so I can have a clean tidy background.  A therapist once said "you can't force yourself to accept things that are unacceptable" but the potential divorce outcomes also feel unacceptable so i've got to find a way to make peace with one of the options[/quote]

Well, hiring help and trying to go that route is easier to undo than getting a divorce (not that I'm advocating you to stay married to this guy). So maybe try that and see how it works?

I don't understand the PP who accepts that this is how her husband is and makes time for them to have fun together. Personally, I would have too much resentment and could not stand to be around someone like that, but everyone is different.

Divorce is expensive, so I'd say hire out absolutely everything that you can (focus first on all the non-kid stuff like cleaning, laundry, gardening, groceries, cooking, etc.) and see it that helps at all. Is it annoying to pay someone to pick up your husband's dirty clothes and wash them? Absolutely (and I'd think you'd have to pay them pretty well...I've always had cleaners but don't ask them to touch dirty laundry), but it may help you to not have to do it.

Can you work anywhere but the bedroom? That seems like an odd set up unless you have a big room with a desk, etc. Maybe working in the dining room would be better because he won't leave his dirty laundry there?[/quote]

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