Reply to Who holds the power in the marriage dating market?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]As a late thirties woman who has observed the dating and marriage market for well...15+ years since I entered it, this is an interesting topic for me.

As women we are told that we have the power in that any man would be willing to sleep with us. I would agree that being a youngish and average looking woman means that it is exceptionally easy to find a man to date and sleep with.

However, getting commitment from men, is a whole other matter. As a marriage minded twentysomething, it was very difficult to come across any twentysomething or thirtysomething men who wanted to marry and have children. [b]Most did not make enough income to make supporting a wife and children a feasible option, especially in DC when many of my peers were in the policy, non profit or government space.[/b]

The men were happy to hook up and date casually but almost no one had marriage in mind. My beautiful smart twentysomething girlfriends and I kept dating and getting dumped from one guy to the next.

In our thirties, the dating pool gets even more scary as now there is a shortage of men as those interested in marriage suddenly start proposing to the girl they are dating and walking down the aisle. The shift is swift and confusing. In every instance, the man who proposes has a high paying job or acquired one within the past two years of proposing. They certainly did NOT date the pretty girls in their twenties with the intention to marry...but instead...dated with the intention to marry in a very short window of time in their early twenties when they started to make money! Whoever they happened to be dating at that point...got the ring! It was like a game of musical chairs!

So you see...it appears that in the dating and marriage market...it is the men who are the choosers and the gatekeepers. They decide when to propose and to whom. A woman's future as a wife and a mother depends on whether a man finds her worthy to be his bride!

[/quote]

Wouldn't you try harder to meet the guys working at Capital One or Carlyle or BigLaw associates or Defense companies or Danaher or Marriott HQ or any of the other companies that pay real $$$s? [/quote]

Because those guys have horrible schedules and tons of travel. It's not appealing.

Personally I would go for a nice GS-11/13 with promotion potential.[/quote]

You don't sound like OP however.[/quote]

I'm not at all like OP. Here are my key points.

1) Get your head around the logistsics being a single mother by choice, that way you won't think a man is necessary. Did that in college. The lack of desperation is really important here.

2) Date to marry. If anyone's not a good match, no matter how nice he is, bid him farewell. It's better to be single. And don't conceal this-- the goal is to run off anyone who isn't also dating to marry. I don't know why OP says it's difficult to come across any twentysomething or thirtysomething men who wanted to marry and have children. They might not want it right that moment, but there are plenty who do want it in their mid-thirties.

[b]3) Don't date people who have non-family-friendly jobs. This means BigLaw partner track, consulting, anything really secretive, anything with terrible hours or too much travel or that doesn't have a suitable earnings trajectory. Figure out who's on track for a job that pays well enough and also allows time for a family, and date those guys.[/b]

4) Be marriage material. Don't act or dress tacky, don't get drunk, have a good career of your own and save money, pursue a MA or MBA or JD or whatever. Keep your eye on the long term. Don't have your life on hold-- go ahead and buy a condo if you like. This will be appealing to them![/quote]

What's a real-world example of this job (I guess understanding everyone has their own definition fo a job that "pays well enough")?[/quote]

Well, it depends on the person's age and desired standard of living, as well as their full financial picture. I think for a man in his late twenties, $60 to $80K is fine. $80 to $100 for early thirties. It also depends if they're in a situation with promotions regularly expected, what their benefits are (federal pension?), and whether they've already been to grad school or do they intend to go and how much will it cost.[/quote]

But what job do they hold?

I also think your expectations are way lower than what most college-educated women in the DMV expect.[/quote]

Well, in my office their job title would be Social Science Analyst. They work in federal agencies and the job is to analyze federal policy and finances. Or they work at DOJ as entry level line attorneys or something.

I don't think my expectations are actually that low, I'm just willing to accept a low salary on someone in his late twenties and early thirties because there's growth potential. My DH, for example, has an MPP and was a GS-9 PMF at a second-tier federal agency when we got engaged. He was 28 at that time. Now, 15 years later, he's Senior Executive Service, makes plenty, and is soon to seek a private sector job in the same field as the original agency. I'm a fed as well and make over 100K, so we're comfortable together with our two kids.

The key to marrying is to spot the guys who are on track to hit the sweet spot of making enough money without working terrible hours.[/quote]

Why the focus on the hours?  [/quote]

Because what I want for my kids is a father who is available and spends time with them, and I also have my own career, and it's hard to make that work if he's constantly working terrible hours and traveling. I was a BigLaw associate myself and saw the toll it can take on your personal relationships. [/quote]

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