Reply to My parents both passed this past year and several old supposedly good friends

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[quote=Anonymous]When my FIL died, I reached out to a group of DH's and my closest friends to let them know and to tell them that I knew he'd appreciate condolence messages via text, email, and phone call. As a result he got supported in a way that felt good to him without him having to explicitly ask for it (which he wouldn't have done -- he didn't even tell a lot of friends his dad was sick).

People often need to be told explicitly "this is how you can support me." Especially when your friends are all from different places and backgrounds and may have very different experiences with how they expect grief to be handled. But a lot of people don't feel comfortable asking for that kind of thing. I really recommend designating a spouse, close friend, or adult child to help you in that way if you need it (and they feel comfortable with it).

But I don't recommend getting angry with and then cutting off people for not showing up in the specific way you want them to if you never told them what you needed. Most people want to be helpful but with the death of a parent, what is helpful? It varies by person. I have gone to funeral services for the parents of some friends and for others what they wanted was to be taken to lunch and NOT talk about their deceased parent. It just depends. I try to follow their lead and do my best based on what they commuicate. I am certain I don't always get it right. One reality of grief is that ultimately you carry it alone. No one will ever truly understand your grief or know exactly how to ease it. You have to figure that part out yourself.

Just for some context, my own parents were abusive and neglectful and my grief over their passing is VERY complex -- a lot of my grief is actually over never having had the loving parents I deserved (that all people deserve) and less over the loss of these two specific people. The vast majority of people will never understand that. When my DH or friends talk about losing their parents as though it's a universal experience, I often feel extra isolated because it's not universal for me -- I don't miss my parents the way they miss theirs because I never had the kind of relationship that it would be painful to lose. Yet I still feel intense grief.

All of which is to say -- try to give others the grace you hope they will offer you. Give them guidance if you can and you think it will help. If they don't show up the way you hope, consider that they may understand or experience grief differently than you and may simply not have the resources to support you the way you need right now. That doesn't mean your friendship is meaningless or won't be good for you in other ways down the road. Life is long and this is just one phase of it.[/quote]

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