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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?[/quote]

OK. It's me.  This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me.  I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES.  I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets.  They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

[/quote]

Well, sounds like they are behaving like adolescents who experienced, and are continuing to experience, a difficult situation. You and your boyfriend should bring a trauma-informed approach and seek professional help for his children. Because what they're going through is terribly difficult, and is a *much* bigger deal than them not being courteous on outings. Stop thinking about you and what you want. If the ex is really that bad then you need to view their behavior as a cry for help. And as a sign of potential post-traumatic and hereditary mental health issues as well.

If their struggle and their mental health isn't being properly addressed, then life is going to be difficult for everyone. And if your boyfriend isn't taking the lead in addressing it, then you should break up with him because he's a bad parent. It's naive new-girlfriend stuff to blame the ex-wife for everything. He chose her. And he has 100% custody so there should be no obstacle to him seeking professional help for his children.

I happen to think my mom's boyfriend sucks and his kids suck too and I've never met his ex, btw. It's not always because of that. Sometimes people just aren't compatible. 
[/quote]

I 100% agree with the first paragraph. This is much bigger than me and my kids. And I recognize it.  My boyfriend doesn't bad mouth his ex ever (to me or to his kids) but I have been around long enough to see her actions and effect. So again, this isn't a question of just blaming the ex.  She will pick up the kids and complain about us to the point where they beg her to stop, say they don't want to visit her because all she does is complain about their dad etc. She basically has driven the narrative from afar. It's parental alienation even though they live with boyfriend because mom didn't want custody (important).  [/quote]

Where's the part where your boyfriend is seeking mental health interventions for his children? He sounds like he's just avoiding it.

It's really hard to alienate a parent on such a low-hour schedule! I wonder why they find her statements so credible. Hm.... [/quote]

Because when you are the Disney parent who does no heavy lifting in parenting, you're given a pass by teenagers who want the easy way out.[/quote]

So, what's your boyfriend doing to help his children who are so evidently in need of mental health care?[/quote]

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