Reply to angry 2nd grader - what intervention helped your kid?

Forum Index » General Parenting Discussion

Reply to "angry 2nd grader - what intervention helped your kid?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m disappointed but not surprised to see there’s only ineffective “gentle parenting” type advice on here, and that the ped also recommended non-evidence based approaches like play therapy.

In a word - discipline. You need a more clear cut disciplinary plan at home that uses very effective behavioral techniques. Find a behavioral therapist that specializes in approaches like PCIT.

This assumes that you’re talking about real disruptive behavior (hitting, swearing, throwing things). If he’s just grouchy and rude then the other advice may work. [/quote]

PCIT is a "gentle parenting" technique that is not grounded in harsh discipline. PCIT generally explicitly involves "play therapy" in that parents are taught the techniques and then engage and practice them in play settings.

A lot of the advice being given on this thread actually applies the same concepts on which PCIT is based -- building coping skills to replace the negative behaviors and offering positive reinforcement for use of those skills and improving and reinforcing the parent-child attachment through emotional connection and active listening. PCIT also gets into co-regulation (parents modeling and helping regulate children's emotions by using positive and productive emotional regulation skills themselves).

It seems like you are upset that people aren't mentioning more "traditional" disciplinary methods but the modern evidence-based approach rejects a lot of these traditional methods because studies show they are ineffective. Spanking and any form of physical violence will do more harm than good. Time outs and ignoring can be used but need to be deployed in a specific way -- time outs are done primarily to give a child a chance to calm (and some kids will NOT calm in a time out so it won't work for them). Ignoring is something you have to be very careful with -- in PCIT they will talk about ignoring certain behaviors in order to not reward them with attention and thus giving more power to the positive behaviors you DO reward with attention. However totally ignoring the child and acting as though they do not exist as a form of punishment is considered very damaging and disruptive toward the parent-child attachment bond and will destroy a parent's ability to effectively address behavior in the future by breaking trust and affection.

No one in this thread has advocated for permissive parenting approaches. The conversation has focused on figuring out how to help a child develop productive emotional management skills as well as preventative techniques like addressing hunger and tiredness to minimize the chances that these disruptions occur in the first place. A number of posters have also talked about how reduction or even elimination of screen time has been beneficial.

So I really don't understand why you are dismissing it as "gentle parenting." Because people aren't talking about their kids derisively or discussing how effective it was for them to spank their kids or throw them out of the house or lock them in their room for hours. That's not good parenting and it also absolutely will not work in reducing violent and reactive behaviors longterm. Even if it successfully stops those behaviors in a small child then what the child learns is that as soon as he is big enough to use force then he too can hit people who are smaller than him or engage in violent and aggressive retribution for behaviors he doesn't like. Good luck with that.[/quote]

I’m glad (truly) you understand what PCIT is - but what concerns me is that parents are not being advised to seek it out. It’s not the same as “play therapy” - it uses play in a really specific way that’s not intuitive (and that the parent administers.) And of course many gentle parenting “experts” vehemently object to time outs, which are a key part of PCIT.

As for “discipline” I do not mean physical or harsh, not at all. I mean it in terms of a consistent plan that is followed consistently. This discipline can be as hard for the parents as it is for the kids, which is when when you face an acute issue like child aggression, you benefit GREATLY from the structure provided by a psychologist actually trained in disruptive child behaviors. Not a “play therapist.” Not Dr Becky telling you time outs are bad. Not a “gentle parenting” blog telling you you just need to validate emotions.

Snacks and bedtime aren’t going to cut it either - although sometimes I have observed that families that cannot effectively address discipline are struggling in general with structure, so it’s possible that overall attention to structure might be needed. I’d guess though that the lack of structure is related to lack of parenting skills that are also needed to address the aggression - like not being able to effectively give your child commands to get ready for bed etc.

But it’s hard to tell without more information from OP. If a child has a real problem with aggression, you need help from the pros.  [/quote]

You could have suggested PCIT without derisively (and ignorantly) criticizing all the other very sound advice that has been offered on the thread. And that would have solved the problem you perceive of parents not being told to seek out PCIT enough.

You are also getting mad that OP (a total stranger to you) has not provided you with enough detail to decide whether they need a bigger intervention or not. Well that's not OP's job. This is an anonymous website and OP asked for ideas and advice. People shared what worked for them (including a ton of advice that absolutely embraces a lot of the concepts from PCIT and that are commonly offered on -- gasp -- accounts like Dr. Becky which you are dismissing but are actually incredibly useful for parents). You are more than welcome to say "hey depending on how severe the aggressive behavior is you might really benefit from a more structured therapeutic approach like PCIT -- here's a practitioner I like" or "here is some info about it if you are interested."

By the way multiple people on this thread have recommended the book The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene. If you haven't read it I suggest you do -- perhaps you would dismiss it as more "gentle parenting" but it embraces a lot of the concepts discussed on this thread AND I've see it recommended by therapists who specialize in PCIT.

But by all means do go on about how no one but you knows how to address this kind of child behavioral issue and all the "gentle parenting" is ruining the children or whatever. Because lord knows we don't get enough of that on this website.[/quote]

Oh just cut it out. There are far too many bad therapists out there willing to take money for pointless OT, play therapy, and the like - I’m never going to apologize for pointing out that most of what passes for parenting advice and therapy (even from pediatricians) is useless and often unconscionably expensive for families.

Not a huge fan of Ross Greene because he doesn’t explain how you actually build skills. When a kid has out of control behaviors, you need to target those first through well studied behavioral approaches.

Dr Becky is adamantly against time outs AND rewards, so I’m not sure how you can say she has anything to do with competent mainstream behavioral therapy.

Dr Becky and Ross Greene are fine if you have small problems. For big problems you need a behavioral psychologist. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics