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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
OP, I had to work through these exact same issues.  It's been a long time, but here are some things I learned the hard way that might help you:

--Your husband might have his own feelings about all of this, and just not be able to communicate them.  Does he know about your past?  Does he know you are more experienced than he is?  Does he know you thought your past lovers were awesome?  That may have left him profoundly insecure, and hurt.  He may feel it is impossible to ever satisfy you fully, or to have total intimacy with you, so he doesn't even want to try.  That might be holding him back from being the lover you wish he was.

--The overwhelming weight you feel from your past is not good, or necessary.  I don't know if you believe in God, but if you do, those feelings do not come from Him.

--Your husband loves you as you stand, as you are, right now.  He loves you WITH all your mistakes.  What he wants more than anything is all of you.  By erecting walls of guilt and shame and self-loathing, and indulging in fantasies, you are creating more and more barriers.  Let all those barriers go.  You can make that choice.  You are free to love him completely, if you so choose.  You are not trapped.

--ask your husband's forgiveness.  You don't need to list out every single specific offense, real or imaginary.  Just ask him to forgive you for all the ways you have offended against him--even before you knew who he was.  Tell him you are truly sorry, you want to be all the wife he deserves, and you are so grateful for him.

--don't start over, but start fron where you are.  Look for greater intimacy, rather than greater technique and skill.  Praise him for everything he does that makes you feel good, no matter how small.  Don't expect him to suddenly pour himself out to you, because that kind of trust takes time.  For us, it took years.  But it is so worth it.

--the turning point will be when you, willingly, reject fantasies about the past.  When those fantasies actually look gross to you, because they get in the way of the perfect understanding you two have.  You will get there, I promise.

This is an opportunity for great growth in your marriage.  Some things may be painful, but it will be so worth it in the end.

I hope you and your husband grow closer through this.  Take care.[/quote]

Thank you so much for your kindness. Your points have been very helpful.

I do not think DH feels inferior or anything because I've never compared him to anyone else. He does know that he is the one with less experience, but we don't really talk about that. He said a long time ago that my past is the past and it's not important because I'm his now. Plus I don't talk about things like that because it's horrifying to me. I feel that it makes me tarnished, so I'd rather pretend that certain things never happened. So 11:14- I could never go to counseling and be honest. I'd rather die, than discuss that.

And that's why I never really complained about how things are between us. I figured that it was my "punishment" I guess you could say. Like that is what I get for my past actions, so I better deal with it gracefully and stop being so focused on sex.

But the thing is, it's not just sex...it's the rejection. I am sure that it's hard for anyone to be rejected by their spouse,but I think it's even harder for a woman. And it's happened so often that I kind of associate sex with rejection or a struggle. Like I have to convince him or something. And I really don't want to feel that way. Then after I do all that convincing, I'm going to be bored anyway.

So I can get things started but I don't know how it's going to turn out. It could be with very hurt feelings. He doesn't see it this way though. He says he doesn't reject me, it's just that sometimes he is tired. Ok, but you are so tired that 90% of the time the answer is no? Am I that ugly?  He would say that it's not like that and he loves me very much and he is very attracted to me. I would say that I believe him, but he still rejects me, and it's hard to deal with.

Until this happened, I had no idea that I was so vunerable. I get what you are saying about being disgusted because the thought of having sex with anyone
else is rather revolting- so I've never thought that I would be disloyal to him. But that was because I was looking at it differently. I was thinking about how meeting someone new and going there would be gross. I had no idea that these past feelings were even there, or that they could be stirred.

I will try what you said and focus on greater intimacy. Once again, thank you for your understanding.

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