Reply to Elders sometimes become abusive toward those they were closest to, so please don't insert yourself

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[quote=Anonymous]This is a complicated issue for me. My mother wasn't abusive in a classic sense, but she is and always was emotionally incredibly fragile and hugely needy, and couldn't ever stop spiraling until everyone around her was as upset as she was...then she'd "relax."  I later learned that this is a form of borderline personality disorder, and she had been seeing a therapist for a while who fired her, then another (both saying that she was not able to do therapy because being introspective was too scary, or something). 
Anyway, after my dad couldn't take it anymore and left, i became the parent in our relationship (I was a young teen). As a result for many years I veered between feeling totally enmseshed, responsible for her emotional health (which is impossible with someone as unstable as she is), and resentful.

In a miracle beyond miracles, she remarried and for a period of years, I was able to maintain boundaries, living across the country and having my own family. After her husband died, however, she spiraled. And then she got dementia and I am the only person who is around for her (once again). I do have a sibling but they have always disappeared in the face of any emotional demand. So now I have had to move my mom out of her house, across the country and into an assisted living (and soon, memory care) near me. Its brought up a huge raft of feelings; annoyance, resentment, but also guilt. She calls 3-6 times a day, telling me how lonely and sad and upset she is and how her life is empty blah blah blah. And I kind of get it--it sucks to be an old person in an assisted living and losing your marbles. But its also the same story she has used her entire life to suck people into her emotional vortex and I just want to scream that I am not responsible for her happiness. I may be responsible for her care now, but I spent way way too long trying to make her happy, a wholly impossible task that only made me unhappy.  So, in a weird way, when she is mean and nasty to me now (which alternates with telling me how important I am to her and I am the only person in the world left for her), its actually almost a relief. It makes me feel LESS guilty.

Still, its hard when I hear her bad mouthing me to the other people at the assisted living as prioritizing "vacations" over her care (because we took a trip without her), etc, etc (never occurs to her to criticize my otherwise unencumbered single sibling who does whatever they want whenever they want for calling her every 2-3 months and otherwise fully, completing washing their hands of a single responsibility for her current medical and mental care, her finances, her taxes, shopping for her, entertainment, coordination with care givers,  moving her out of her home, cleaning out said home and renovating it and renting it out, from across the county, to ensure income stream to cover increasing costs, though they will inherit 50% of said property one day). But that's another rant--the family members who dont help (although many of them have opinions! fortunately my sibling doesnt have opinions, doesn't even participate in discussions around our parent). [/quote]

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