Reply to How does a judge decide custody when all the factors to be considered seem equal?

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[quote=Anonymous]Thank you all for your input. I guess this is where I can reveal that I am the dad. I did try to present my ex’s behavior in the most fair and balanced way possible. Her feelings are understandable and I but her behavior is not.

It is true that we coparented a certain way for a couple of years. It was mostly me just saying yes to whatever my ex wanted because I’m a naturally passive person, didn’t bother to do any of my own research and took her word when she explained what we needed to do for our child’s best outcomes, and because I was afraid that she would prevent me from seeing my daughter if I didn’t. I didn’t feel very confident as a first time dad parenting independently.

And then yes, I got into a new relationship with my now fiancée. My ex was a little too intrusive and about it from the very start and very much made it seem like she thought my relationship was her business. She would frequently ask for updates on whether my fiancée was ready to meet her and our daughter, as she was under the impression that she had the right to meet my new girlfriend before I introduced our daughter. She was very pushy about it. Then I made a few decisions, such as spending Thanksgiving with my family and my fiancée and not join my ex’s family dinner. I also decided I didn’t want to take Santa pictures with my ex and my daughter. At some point I also decided I didn’t want my ex to call me so frequently. Just reasonable boundaries, you know? Decisions like this angered my ex and she would yell and insult me. Eventually she called my partner a name and I decided then that my ex wouldn’t get the privilege of meeting my partner. So I introduced my daughter and partner without my ex’s permission and my ex went ballistic. She spent a couple of months trying to convince me to do what she wanted, then I think realized I was serious when I didn’t attend the birthday party and threw my own separate one. Then she filed.

The custody petition was clearly a tactic to try to scare me into submission. She put almost no effort into it and filed pro se. It was a standard parenting plan printed out riddled with white out and random things written in. I don’t think she expected me to lawyer up and respond but as soon as I did she turned herself into the victim saying I’m trying to take her daughter away. So then she got a lawyer.

In mediation I said I wanted joint custody and to keep 50/50 parenting time. I also said I wanted to keep communication to a parenting app. She wouldn’t agree to that. She would only do joint custody if I agreed to an extreme abuse of the right of first refusal clause to prevent my fiancée or my mom picking our daughter up and taking her to my home to get started on her afternoon/evening routine until I was off work a few hours later. I do not and have not ever hired a babysitter for childcare and do not leave my daughter overnight except for sleepovers with her beloved grandma and I’m not going to agree to a clause where she can try to exert control over my parenting time like that. So she stated she would continue pursuing sole legal custody and a parenting plan where I get every other weekend.

She is unemployed and has been for the last year. She had a good telework job until she was laid off but for some reason hasn’t made an effort to get a similar job in the same field. She was taking classes at the community college for some digital media certificate and then suddenly decided she would be a birth doula and recently said she is “done with the 9-5.” She’s not quite certified to start taking clients yet but I have no idea how she plans to support herself as a self-employed birth doula with no business or marketing savvy or handle a job that is essentially 24/7 on call. What if she gets a call in the middle of the night for a birth when she has our daughter?

Most recently I heard that she is moving in with a friend and I’m guessing it’s because she can’t afford rent anymore even with the roommates she had living there. Oh and the friend has a 13 year old son that lives there so that’s going to keep me up at night.

Any time I don’t “work with her” i.e. don’t do what she wants she threatens and manipulated, telling me that I’m going to look bad in front of the court, I’m going to mess up our daughter permanently, I won’t have a good relationship with my daughter when she’s older etc. And in the same text will pressure me again for us all to hang out like a big happy family. Previous poster had it right that things are not respectful and amicable and just because she wants to pretend they are doesn’t make it so. The delusion is mind-boggling.

So to me it is obvious who should have legal custody as she really doesn’t operate in our kid’s best interest (though she may sincerely believe that she does) and has demonstrated extremely poor decision-making over the last year. But those don’t appear to be factors the court will consider and I worry she will be able to paint a picture where I am the selfish dad who is choosing his new woman over his kid and only wants 50/50 to avoid paying child support. I can barely keep my retainer topped up, can’t afford a trial without borrowing from my 401k,  and i just don’t know what to do anymore.

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