Reply to How does a judge decide custody when all the factors to be considered seem equal?

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Reply to "How does a judge decide custody when all the factors to be considered seem equal?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Here are some examples of the conflicting coparenting philosophies between the parents.

Mom thinks she should be able to take the child to birthdays, family events, etc during Dad’s parenting time if Dad is working and child would otherwise be spending time with other family, Dad’s girlfriend, at preschool, or other play dates etc arranged by Dad. Dad thinks that Mom should provide the information about the event and Dad can choose to facilitate the child’s attendance or decline the child attending.

Mom thinks she should have right of first refusal so that any time that the child is not with Dad she should be offered the time. This would mean the child transitioning between households several times a week due to Dad’s slightly unconventional work schedule making him unavailable for preschool pickup. Mom thinks it’s unfair that the girlfriend (who is now living with Dad and child) or the Dad’s parent does pickup when Mom is available and would love the extra time. Dad thinks the back and forth would be too disruptive to everyone.

[b]Mom thinks that Mom, Dad, and girlfriend should all spend time together occasionally with the child to show that everyone is amicable and respectful. The child has requested this to Mom. Dad is not interested and insists that he only has a duty to be civil and polite during any brief face to face interactions. He continues to say no to these requests. [/b][/quote]

First point: Right of first refusal is complicated. Preschool is pretty notorious for not fitting well into the schedule of anyone other than stay at home parents. Him not being able to pick the kiddo up from preschool at 2 doesn't mean that he's not able to parent at 6 when he gets home. It's his parenting choice how to arrange pick up and drop off during his parenting time. If he is regularly leaving the kid with other people overnight or for extended periods (e.g., school closures), that is when the right of first refusal would kick in.

Overall point: What you are describing sounds like one parent who is not comfortable with the family structure changing. He is moving on. He has a new partner and is making parenting decisions without consulting her. That is a change. If he did not communicate clearly or effectively, that's on him. Her adjusting to the new reality is on her. The way to that new reality does not lead through "so I filed for sole custody on the basis of his new girlfriend picking up kid from preschool and him having a separate birthday party."

Regarding the bolded, everything is *NOT* amicable and respectful right now. The child wants that to be true, but it's not. Our job as parents is also to help our children adjust to uncomfortable realities. In this reality, he has moved on and is building a family with someone else. The move here is to help the kid adjust to this, rather than continuing to push an "amicable and respectful" narrative that does not actually exist. Amicable, respectful behavior excludes filing for sole custody in this manner, though. She is not being amicable at all.[/quote]

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