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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Keep going back, take something with you she might like every time you go. If she kicks you out leave and try again tomorrow. You need to show up even for the bad days.[/quote]

Actually we consulted with quote a few experts and this is not always the case. Sure try different strategies to bring out her best from favorite music and food to happy photos or whatever and have shorter visits, but the reality is for some of us, sometimes the person closest, your presence makes them highly agitated. I know a loving couple where the man could no longer not only live with his wife, but even see her when she visited Memory Care. My mother cannot be around me with out becoming highly agitated unless heavily sedated. While mom has been difficult my whole life, I knew how to get along and keep a pleasant relationship before she declined. She was estranged from one of my siblings, but can be with her which is so odd. Other sibling visits occasionally and she is thrilled. I have someone hired to check on her on a regular basis and work with staff to make sure needs are met. Mom mostly behaves for her and this woman has dealt with plenty of difficult people so knows how to put mom in her place without losing the connection.

My biggest regret is I kept trying to be the good girl and show up even for the bad days and even bring my kids hoping she would behave and my husband. My kids are still dealing in therapy with the behavior they observed. (She used to be able to hide her dark side with them). I ended up quite ill. It put a lot of stress on my husband. We should have hired someone years ago.

I think we gaslight eager to please mostly women into dealing with all sorts of terrible behavior and even try to make them feel guilty (get over it, it's the disease speaking, this is so hard for HER). There are other solutions. If you cannot afford to hire someone, see what is available for free in your community-e.g. religious leader visits now and then and volunteers. Call the council on aging. I had a friend who sent adult protective services to check on her mom who refused residential. Contrary to what people think, they don't cart you off. They are pretty useless in some areas, but will do welfare checks. [/quote]

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