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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I hope for your sake that you are able to get your mom into AL. She will complain and you will feel guilty. But it is what it is. Many people are living much longer now than earlier generations--well into their own children's senior years. It simply is not tenable for everyone to host/take care of their elderly parents in their own home for years.

My own MIL is 93 and is cared for in her own home by her 3 daughters--the two sons help when the daughters go on vacation. MIL refused part-time help/aides or the idea of moving into AL. One daughter commutes from 5 states away to care for her several days a week and another lives with MIL in her home. Daughters are in their 60s, still working, and have been caring for both MIL and FIL (who lived until 90) for over a decade. The third daughter puts in her "shift" on weekends but is never acknowledged by my MIL. Conveniently for my MIL, her daughter are unmarried and can be at her beck and call without the constraint of having their own families.  My MIL was complaining to me the other day that the daughter who lives with her is "on the phone all day" and that she only gets to talk with someone when the other daughter who commutes 500+ miles is in town. The daughter who lives with her is "on the phone all day" because she is working. She has a lovely home of her own a few miles away that she hasn't slept in for over 3 years. She will never hear "thank you" from her mother. My MIL lives for when the other daughter is in town because she doesn't have to work when she's there and can cater to MIL's every whim.

A friend moved in with her mom (who is (90+) 3 years ago when her dad died at 90. She basically abandoned her own home and husband. Her mother refuses to have anyone come in to help out or to go to AL even though the family has resources to pay for it.

Basically, there are far too many older seniors who have made zero plans for their advanced old age, don't want change, want to be taken care of in their own home by their own kids, and don't consider the cost to anyone else. This is a growing problem and we're not dealing with it effectively enough as a society.

I was lucky that my own parent agreed to go to AL when it started becoming too unsafe for him to live alone. I continued to provide hours of daily support (companionship, taking him to medical appointments, dealing with the AL facility, etc.) but at least I could retreat to my own home at the end of the day. You don't have that option.

All of this is to tell you that you are not a bad daughter for not wanting to host your mom in your home anymore. It's too much to ask--especially when the situation can last many years. [/quote]

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