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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]When my mom was 84 she moved into a senior living facility - Brightview, which has many locations around DC and Baltimore. She has her own apartment but eats in the dining room every evening, has a group of friends and a ton of activities that keep her active and social. She is in independent living but assisted living is available if she needs it. She has been single my whole adult life (my parents divorced in the early 90s) and enjoyed living independently until covid isolation. She was also starting to have difficulties driving and managing her home so it was the right time. She's so much happier at Brightview and it's been really wonderful for us. As she was getting older the stress of managing everyday life was growing and growing until it honestly was a relief to move to a new very supportive environment. [/quote]
My MIL really needed to do this but she did not want to. But, she was lonely in her home, and she had health issues.

While my SIL helped her a lot, it wasn't the same as MIL having someone in the house.  She was very stubborn, but at the same time kept saying she was lonely and bored.  I too said that if she were in a retirement home, she'd at least have people around her 24/7, and if she needed to be alone, she could always go into her room.

She passed away several months ago.

OP, I think about this a lot, too, after having watched my MIL and my own elderly parents deal with loneliness and boredom.  My parents may live together, but they hate each other. All they do is fight, still, in their 80s/90.

I told my spouse that if I'm alone at 75+, I'm going to put myself in a retirement home with some people my age, hopefully. I'm thinking in 20 years, there will be more people like me -- older, but not much family around.  I have two kids, and we have always told our children to fly, and don't feel like they have to be constrained because of us.  Hopefully, they will check in on me, but I don't want them to have to feel they must live near me.  I'm willing to move to where they are, but I don't want them to feel like they can't then move themselves because I moved there to be with them.[/quote]

I don't mean this to sound snarky, I really don't. But why do we not have some expectations anymore that children will care for parents? I don't mean in the instances where it is not suitable (dementia, needs medical help, etc.) The most successful outcomes I've seen have had parents living very near or with children. My family has traditionally NOT put their parents in homes (barring those things I mentioned). But, admittedly, they were a large immigrant family, and LARGE family. Most of that generation has since passed ftmp. [/quote]

DP.  I am also from an immigrant family.  My grandparents lived next to us, and they were able to age in their apartment, and basically stayed there until they died at 96 and 90.  My mom, the eldest daughter was the one who made it possible.  It was a successful outcome.

But seeing what that did to my mom, and what it deprived her of, I don’t want to do that to my children.  I’d rather crawl to die somewhere in the wilderness.  Or buy a ticket to Switzerland.[/quote]

Asking genuinely, What did it deprive her of?

I feel like, if it's that problematic, that falls into the "should be in AL" bucket. If the parent is otherwise happy, healthy for age, and not causing problems (like with dementia), as with my grandparents and greats (until the very end) it was a better outcome for the person. I'm certainly not suggesting kids sacrifice and be burdened. I don't want to do that to my child, either. But part of it is perspective. At what point is it a burden vs. just an unwelcome presence or inconvenience? I don't like how disposable people become (generally speaking and not referencing any specific situation) as they age in this country. And we should all be cognizant of that as it will be us one day. [/quote]

It wasn’t an AL situation - fine cognitively and fairly mobile.  But… do you remember when you had elementary school age children?  That was my mom from her 20s (her own kids) until into her 60s.  Every vacation, every theater outing had to come with extensive back up plans for “what if”, and she was still the single back up for everything and everyone, so most of the time she simply said why bother.  It wasn’t common then, so it wasn’t like we were deprived, but to put it into contemporary context, there wouldn’t be any serious EC commitments, no attending school plays, no college visits, no girls trips,  no travel as empty nesters, no help with grandchildren for me and my brother - mom had the other priorities.  That’s how my grandparents made it to their advanced ages - they ate her.  [/quote]

That happened to my white American mom as well. After I was out of the house and throughout her retirement she cared for her mother who lived with us; once I left home I would occasionally use my vacation  leave and travel back to stay with my grandmother so mom could have a weekend away. It was the way her family traditionally did things, but the difference was that her grandparents etc... all died before they were in their mid 70s.

Grandma lived into her 90s, having not worked outside the home once, and basically doing almost nothing at all, even at our house, since she was in her late 60s, my mom had to do everything.

There was no way I was going to get sucked into a similar situation, and Mom didn't really want me to, even though I helped her out when I could. I plan to go to a nice assisted living retirement home and make friends in my old age. [/quote]

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