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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A lot of people use boundaries to mean "I should never have to do, or see, or hear, anything I don't like.  If people don't act the way I want them to all the time, it's not merely part of life or annoying, it's offensive or toxic.  Relationships should require no work or compromise on my part, and even asking me something i dont want to do or share is wrong and hurtful"  There are people who genuinely need to set boundaries for themselves so that they don't do too much or accept mistreatment, but the term has been stripped of any useful meaning by overuse and misuse.   [/quote]

Yes. This is what I feel like my sister is doing. I can't be perfect, but she expects me to be perfect and if I'm not she "sets a boundary" that she doesn't want to be near me. She doesn't talk it through with me or act like our relationship is important. That's what I'm struggling with. It is important to set boundaries and not continue to be abused by people but I am not abusive. Relationships can take compromise and negotiation and even just adjustment and not be abusive. It takes communication and maybe even work and that's OK![/quote]

So can you give an example of when as you claim you’re not being perfect?

Not everyone wants to invest the time to constantly compromise and negotiate and explain in a lengthy conversation why they said no. You can want to spend less time with someone whom you don’t have as much in common, who annoys you or who you can only take in small doses. You can have other more important priorities in your life. The other person doesn’t have to be abusive for you to decide to spend your time and energy elsewhere. [/quote]

Sure. My sister has every right to decide not to spend time with me. But I can also want to have a relationship with her and try to figure out how to do that, right? Or am I required to be happy she wants to distance herself from me?

An example, she told me she wasn't speaking to our brother. I said that made me sad. She said that telling her that it made me sad was me making it all about me and that she didn't want that kind of energy in her life. She told me never to talk mention our brother and not to give her updates on our brother. [/quote]

That's a pretty clear and direct boundary, OP.  You're choice is to respect it, or end up on the other side of that line as well. I don't think expressing sadness is inappropriate per se, as long as it came along with a "but I support your choices", but if [b]your sharing your sadness was an attempt to manipulate your sister into softening her stance - maybe she picked up on that.[/b] [/quote]

this is my suspicion as well, esp after seeing how OP engages here on this board.  [/quote]

Honestly in this instance I wasn't trying to get her to do anything. I was talking about myself like she was talking about herself. But what if I didn't agree with her? Or is that a prerequisite for every relationship?

I have many friendships with people where we are free to express ourselves and our opinions and even disagree. We do this respectfully without fear of being "cut off" or ostracized. If I don't like what my friend says to me I tell him/her and we talk about it. The underlying premise is that we want to be in relationship with each other and we're both willing to negotiate that and compromise.

Anyone has the right to set any boundaries they want with whomever they want. I'm not arguing that.

What kind of relationship do I want with my sister? The kind where every interaction isn't a minefield of "you shouldn't have said that" and "you should have said that" and where I can be my authentic, caring and compassionate self without fear of being cut off.[/quote]

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