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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A lot of people think they have a daughter in law issue when it is really about how they raised their son.

Why does DIL need to coordinate everything for the other side of the family? Why not ask your son? If your son doesn't care to arrange things that is not on your DIL. No one seems to expect their son in law to arrange things for her side of the family.

Each child and their relationship with their parents effects future dynamics. Raise your sons so that they are invested and prioritize family time instead of blaming DIL for the results of your parenting choices.[/quote]

I agree with this, though I am a DIL who has a good relationship with my MIL.

When we got married though, and especially when we had kids, DH's family (not just his mom but the whole family) definitely had this expectation that I would suddenly step in and coordinate everything on our behalf with his family. I was honestly confused by this expectation and simply... didn't. I mean, I coordinated stuff with my family, why would I coordinate with his? I didn't get it. Sometimes his mom would reach out to me about something and I'd say honestly, "Hmm, I don't know but DH probably does," and then move on with my life. Or I'd forward him texts or emails. I didn't stress about it, just assumed they'd figure it out.

And they did. At first I think everyone was confused, like "wait, but we raised our kids with the expectation that women handle all family and social obligations." But they adjusted. I think I only had to be somewhat stern one time, and that was with my BIL and FIL (who were unreasonably unhappy with our family for not making a 14 hour round trip drive for a 2 hour event on a Saturday night, and then blamed me for that choice when it was a joint decision with DH and I), not my MIL who tends to be more understanding of people in general.

I remember early on in this process, during one of those incidents where DH's family was asking me for info about some gathering or another and I was directing them to DH, I had a conversation with DH where he said he thought his mom had always wanted a daughter, and that's why she always reached out to me with this stuff. And I said, "But she had sons. She needs to make her relationship with her sons as good as it can be, not just adopt me as a replacement. I'm an add-on, not her actual child." And I think that resonated with him, the idea that he and his mom needed to really own their relationship to one another and invest in it, and not lament that it's not something else. It just isn't, oh well.

I think often parents give up on their adult sons and just figure only daughters can be devoted or attentive or thoughtful. It's shortchanging everyone (in addition to unfairly burdening DILs with a job their DH's certainly don't perform for their families).[/quote]

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