Reply to I hate my spouse’s family.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]"I cant stand my inlaws too" .. this is almost every DW comment. They almost always force DH to cut ties. This is a pattern and I truly hope all these DW pay the price once their DS gets married and they are "cut off" [/quote]

The vast majority of the time, the problem lies with the husband/son. A lot of grown men do a very poor job of communicating with their parents, in all respects. Most women both (1) make sure to keep their parents involved/reassured and feeling loved/valued yet also (2) have no problem setting boundaries- which their parents are more likely to accept due to #1.

Unfortunately many grown sons don’t do much of #1…which causes their parents to get upset, feel pushed ignored or pushed aside and become pushy/forceful. Sometimes escalating to outright tantrums and manipulative behaviors. Any boundary the husband does try to set- even if reasonable- is then taken poorly.

The DIL gets the blame for their own grown son being too lazy to maintain his own family relations, and the resulting  
poor relationships mean any reasonable boundary is seen as war by DIL (even if it was their son’s idea). ILs become hostile to DIL and then DIL rightly puts up boundaries and/or disengages.

No idea how this dynamic can be fixed or prevented, but it is certainly very common. It isn’t that women “hate their in-laws” from day 1 by any means. The bad relations are usually a result of the DH doing a poor job handling his extended family/parents.[/quote]

This has some good stuff in it for sure.

I think the way that it's fixed/prevented is to have the same standards for our sons as we do for our daughters.  Teach them to be caretakers of people's emotions, not just yours.  And when they do partner, work with them to continue having a good relationship.  I've watched my mom be a total rock start MIL, so I know it's possible.  Does it mean that my brother's wife loves my mom just like her own mom?  NO!  But they have a terrific relationship.[/quote]

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