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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]"I cant stand my inlaws too" .. this is almost every DW comment. They almost always force DH to cut ties. This is a pattern and I truly hope all these DW pay the price once their DS gets married and they are "cut off" [/quote]

The vast majority of the time, the problem lies with the husband/son. A lot of grown men do a very poor job of communicating with their parents, in all respects. Most women both (1) make sure to keep their parents involved/reassured and feeling loved/valued yet also (2) have no problem setting boundaries- which their parents are more likely to accept due to #1.

Unfortunately many grown sons don’t do much of #1…which causes their parents to get upset, feel pushed ignored or pushed aside and become pushy/forceful. Sometimes escalating to outright tantrums and manipulative behaviors. Any boundary the husband does try to set- even if reasonable- is then taken poorly.

The DIL gets the blame for their own grown son being too lazy to maintain his own family relations, and the resulting  
poor relationships mean any reasonable boundary is seen as war by DIL (even if it was their son’s idea). ILs become hostile to DIL and then DIL rightly puts up boundaries and/or disengages.

No idea how this dynamic can be fixed or prevented, but it is certainly very common. It isn’t that women “hate their in-laws” from day 1 by any means. The bad relations are usually a result of the DH doing a poor job handling his extended family/parents.[/quote]

NP here.  This makes sense, actually.  DH's family are poor communicators, in general.  SIL and MIL dictate everything, and are almost exactly alike - they feed into each other, which is usually bad, on all fronts. When SIL and MIL don't get their way, they are used to manipulating the situation until they do. Getting the last say is very important, especially to SIL, who likes to edge others out of the picture, literally and figuratively.

The NPD is very strong in MIL and SIL, which was difficult for DH growing up, but he has seen what they are capable of - they are only getting worse with age.  DH and I are very go along to get along types, so the difficulty, flat out meanness, selfishness and snark that MIL and SIL bring to a situation are puzzling. DH and I were people pleasers for a long time, and it only had strong adverse ramifications from SIL and MIL, so DH has dropped that puppet show. I dropped it some time ago.  No good deed went unpunished, so it was no use. Of course, as PP so succinctly stated,  the DIL gets blamed because DH dropped the rope. I can't even get DH to call his mom on Mother's Day or her birthday, and SIL keeps any information she can to herself, so as to make her the hero in her own story/head/world. Again, no communication, and they seem to like it this way, no matter that everyone on the outside sees exactly what is happening.

SIL literally corners DH (just like when they were little kids) when she doesn't get her way, still, at her age. If she had a brain, she would be embarrassed by what she does, and what she causes - but all she sees is herself. Ever. [/quote]

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