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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It’s FIL’s money and he brought the issue up with his son, not with you. Stay in your lane. This literally has nothing to do with you. It is FIL’s money and [b]he want his SON’S counsel on what td do now[/b].[/quote]
I agree with everything you wrote except the bolded portion. FIL isn’t asking for his son’s counsel; [b]he’s asking his son to give his blessing to this plan so FIL doesn’t have to feel guilty about it.
[/b]
Make sure your dh does not accept responsibility for being executor of the estate if he’s not going to inherit. It’s a PITA and there’s no reason for him to do it.[/quote]

This is a really good point. And it puts your DH in a really bad place, which is unfair. But it doesn't sound like there is much to inherit anyway if they are taking out loans to support her. So maybe it's best to just walk away from an inheritance but I would absolutely cut SIL off once FIL is gone.

However, my bigger concern if I were you/DH is how much money FIL has to care for himself. [b]It's one thing to inherit nothing but its another thing for you to have to pay for his medical care because of SIL. That would be the conversation I would be having first.[/b][/quote]

THIS. If he has to borrow money for SIL, he probably has none left for himself. DH should tell him "Dad, I don't need an inheritance. We're just fine financially. But I don't have enough to support you if you run out of money, and I'm concerned about that happening." Then long awkward silence.[/quote]

OP here - First, I want to say thank you to all who responded. It gave me perspective.

And thank you for note about executor. DH is named and has power of attorney as “responsible child.”

I led with the above about healthcare cost and long term care with DH. FIL/MILs plan before they gave SIL money was to sell house and buy into a retirement community with progressive care. they no longer have the means to pay for this and need to rethink their own future care.

DH agreed with talking to FIL. He is also going to calmly say no, he does not agree to give SIL his inheritance. Instead, anything ear marked for DH should go in a trust for their grandchild who has SN (our child).

We know there isn’t much money. DH and I hope that a conversation with curb FILs generosity to SIL and think more strategically about the future.

FWIW, SIL is not what was described in the comments. She had two Ivy League degrees.  She has no money because she/BIL keep making risky short term investments. Or, decisions that are head scratching like getting buyers remorse on a McMansion and selling it at a loss because “she didn’t like the pool” then getting foreclosed on with the next house when they overcommitted financially. And, got offended when DH nicely suggested she may want to get a job…

I guess it’s not my monkeys, nor my circus.  [/quote]

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