Reply to Psychologist recommends bathroom time out as punishment. Thoughts?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, have you ever watched What Not to Wear? They give the person some rules and send them off.  The rules give them a framework and a new way forward.

Your psychologist has given you 3 new rules, a new way forward.  You can implement the rules in various ways but they should be in line with the rules.

"[b]Give child 3 rules: 1) obedience, 2) respect, 3) no arguing. Parents have three rules when responding to child's breaking of these rules (child not told this but parents know): 1) be consistent, 2) no second chances, and 3) no warning before consequences.[/b]"

Those are reasonable rules.  They're about consistency, predictability, and reliability. For everyone.  Stability and predictability is great for kids.  They will test rules and boundaries, that's what they do, but they are a lot happier and more confident when they know where the rules and boundaries are.  [/quote]

This is the definition of authoritarian parenting, which studies have shown lead to poor outcomes.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/authoritarian-parenting

Children reared by authoritarian families tend to depend more heavily on their parents (especially girls), be more submissive, less socially adept, less confident, less intellectually curious, and less committed to achievement in comparison with children reared in authoritative homes. Furthermore, children reared by authoritarian parents often exhibit hostility and shyness toward peers and show higher levels of aggression (Casas et al., 2006).

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK568743/

"Furthermore, this parenting style can result in children who have higher levels of aggression but may also be shy, socially inept, and unable to make their own decisions.[1] This aggression can remain uncontrolled as they have difficulty managing anger as they were not provided with proper guidance. They have poor self-esteem, which further reinforces their inability to make decisions.[2] Strict parental rules and punishments often influence the child to rebel against authority figures as they grow older."[/quote]

No, it's authoritative.  As opposed to OP's current permissive parenting that is not working.  [/quote]

I'm not permissive at all, thank you. Not by a long shot. One can be generally authoritative but still need advice on implementation in difficult situations.

I agree with PP that the psychologist's advice is more authoritarian than authoritative, at least as expressed. With some tweaking it can be authoritative.  I have direct experience at the hands of authoritarian parenting where there was no talking back and total obedience expected, even when unfair or arbitrary, I had no voice/feelings that were valid. It was not a healthy situation.[/quote]

Right? Obedience and no arguing? How is arguing defined? Is it any response to a demand, like "could I finish this first?" I can see how  it might devolve into authoritarian.

My parents screamed at me if I screwed up, but were not authoritarian overall. As a parent, it has made it hard for me to be authoritative without yelling. I find "If you do _____________, then _______________ can happen. More boundaries than demands.

I think timeouts are fine, but like another PP, they have their limits. I told my DD to go into her room (very calmly I might add) after she pushed her little brother. She came out screaming several times and then I had to negotiate that. Should I have yelled? Smacked her until she stayed in there? I did not. I kept calmly telling her to comply, which she eventually did. I don't think anyone really learned anything.

For the record, she is very well behaved at school, activities and in social situations.

The entire incident left me miserable and drained. And I think that's why a lot of parents "give up." Authoritative parenting is a pretty hard balance to strike and it requires immense mental energy. [/quote]

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