Reply to Is DH selfish, or am I projecting?

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[quote=Anonymous]	I don’t know, op, you came on here and made this pop-up event sound like you were going to find out some life changing news, then you come back and say it’s a work dinner. It was disconcerting, and I’d find it difficult to be married to you if this is how you behave on the regular.

As for work stress, my rule is that my husband’s stress is his to manage. He can learn to like his job, or he can find another one.  I haven’t seen a man yet who responds appropriately to the sweet wife and work stress routine. I think men can be self-focused, and that’s fine, they just don’t respond well to “now I would appreciate your time/love/energy, I handled things just fine for a bit, it’s time to reboot now”. I’m his wife, not his therapist. I’m here to hang out with him, have sex with him, do fun things with him, things a therapist can’t do, and the sex, his friends had better not be doing. I don’t encourage him to take time to have fun without me. Too much of that, and the marriage suffers, as you are finding out, the look your husband gave you is telling, and isn’t something I’ll put up with, so I don’t. If he wants to do something I have no interest in, that’s fine, but it needs to fit in with family stuff, and the family stuff had better not change once you give the green light for him to fly solo. There was a time when I was the cool wife and let him if we’re allowed to say that, have more of his own interests, until I discovered just how lonely that life was. Then I found out just how little these interests were compatible with family life things like “they want to clean up the lodge, we have nothing planned” and I’d think “We didn’t, but I’d have loved to spend the day as a family”.. in other words, these activities of his always had a way of getting on the schedule before I could, or worse yet “It’s just a movie” or “It’s just a festival” or “but you knew this would happened when I joined”, and eventually I decided I was just done. I wanted and needed a marriage that was going to function and look like something different then what I had. I wanted my husband, just not the marriage as it was then. It was tough to explain because marriage problems only count if someone is unfaithful, unless sexual organs are involved, the person who is unhappy is “controlling, unable to manage, doesn’t have friends, needs to be more resourceful” and hey, it’s not that bad, nobody cheated”. It’s like going to a doctor with a broken finger and him saying “It’s not a leg? What’s the problem, you’ve got 9 more, come back and see me when it’s your leg, then I’ll help you, and oh yes, if it’s your leg, I’ll look at that finger too, that might have just been the start of a problem, but well, like I say, you’ve got 9 more, if you can’t figure out what to do, that’s your problem”.

For both of us, we grew up with parents who didn’t go on dates, seemed fine to do things on their own, and it was only after our rough patch that I realized that while their marriages may have been fine for them, that isn’t how I wanted to live.  Interestingly enough, it was only after our rough patch that my parents began to go on dates. Then my dad bought my mom a pair of boots and my mom gushed like a teenager “Your dad and I went to the feed store (where you buy farm supplies and feed for animals) and I saw these boots, and he told me to try them on, and he even helped me do it, and they fit so well, and then he said I could have them, and he bought them for me”.  This is the same woman who told me “You don’t need a man” “If you want something, just go buy it” “This was a side of my mom I’d never seen. I also remember just recently my parents going to Mcdonald’s for an ice cream cone and they looked like a couple of very old high school students on a date. It was adorable. Again, I never saw this or heard them talk about anything less while I lived with them. I almost think they were victims of the 1970’s.

For you, let your husband go to his event. He planned to go, he wants to go, you don’t need him at this dinner. Then talk to him about restructuring your marriage. Me, I’d have gone to the event with him because anything that made my husband so happy is something I’d want to be a part of. I wouldn’t take kindly to “you’re not invited”, I’m your wife, if this a social thing, I am most definitely invited. I may not go, but I am darn sure invited… by my husband.

Tell your husband you love him and want him around. Make it a point to do things with him like this event that he went to. Don’t worry if you’re the only wife there, the other guys can bring dates too if they’d like.  Don’t expect to leave early unless a kid needs you or something. I was also struck by work “giving you the day off”, that sounds like something from 1910, “we did so good, the boss gave us the day off to go see baseball). If you don’t like your work’s policies (personally I’d have skipped the dinner and spent the day with my husband at his event) find a job you like better. At this point, you shouldn’t have to go to a work dinner, and you shouldn’t be “given” the day off, that management style died a long time ago.

Finally, don’t neglect your kids. I have a teen too and she was more of a mess then my younger kids were last night. The same kid who begged me to buy her a pizza and talked my ear off about how much homework she had, absolutely lost it when we didn’t eat as a family. I got her her pizza, (she’s had a stressful week) then my husband and I went to pick up take-out he really wanted (yes, I can be sweet to him) and I didn’t know eating as a family was anything the teen cared about that night. All I knew was she was hungry as a bear, had a lot of homework, and had to work this weekend so I wanted to make her as comfortable as I could.. turns out she wanted me more then the food, or she wanted me *and* the food. Make sure your marriage is good so you can enjoy your kids even if they can do things on their own. Far better to have fun with the husband and be in a good mood then sacrifice so *he* can have fun.

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