Reply to S/o how to ensure I’m not a burden on my kids as I age

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am first gen Indian immigrant so I have not had to deal with aging parents on day to day basis.  My aging ILs are in India and I fly back frequently to visit them and do a lot of remote care -CCTV, attendants, domestic help -  which is a financial possibility in India.

In my mind, the culture of multi-generational families removes the challenges of eldercare and childcare if the family is functional and collaborative.  In Indian culture, at least we do have a blueprint for this type of living.

In US, I observe with interest how others in my community are navigating old age.  Example 1 - One widowed friend sold her house and pooled the money with her 2 married ACs to help both children buy large homes in good school districts in different cities. She is the co-owner and  has her own independent unit in these homes and shares the common area. Her kids would not have been able to afford these houses at such an young age without her help. She lives in both places and has her friends circle and medical care in both places. More importantly, she has freed herself of home maintainence tasks, personal security concerns or having someone to take care of her if she is unwell because the infrastructure is in place in both houses.  At the same time, she had control of her property, and her independence.

Example 2 -  Another older couple, had their eldest son and DIL continue to live  in to their home after marriage and continued supporting  them.  Once the younger couple were financially solvent, the older couple sold their home and all became co-owners of a large home in a good school district in DMV. At one point four generations were living in the same house. Later on, the older couple, sold their ownership to their son and DIL and started paying rent to them. They used the money to finance their youngest son's house.  Through long illness and death of the older man, the family has shared the care and the life of the remaining partner has not been upended.

In the case of both examples, several things were common - 
- the parents were fairly young. First example, the lady as in her early 50s.  The second example - the family were always in a multi-gen living and the older couple were also in their 50s.  
- the parents were not broke. They all had the money to live independently if needed. They had also paid for their kids college, weddings etc so there is a natural gratefulness and respect for parents making these sacrifices for their children.  
- the parents retained control of their money and property. 
- the parents helped the children buy homes that they could not have bought by themselves. They also pitched in money to outsource chores (cleaners, landscapers, part time cook) that made it comfortable for the entire family and did not cause resentment
- the grandparents helped in raising the grandkids and it fostered bonds in the family
- the grandparents though very attached with their families, also had a thriving social life. [/quote]

I have two thoughts about this post. 1. Your Indian experience is so pleasant because of the cheap labor in India, and not because of the family relationships. None of your relatives actually has to do the heavy lifting of caregiving, if they do, you aren't aware of it apparently. 2. None of your local friends is actually in the care-receiving stage. They just live with their kids, are fairly young and healthy. How are they going to cope if/when they get dementia? Who's going to the work? Who's going to stay at home 24/7 to stop them form wandering on the streets? Who will patiently redirect them when they start guilting their grandchildren? You provided none of the answers that would help OP and others who are in this situation.[/quote]

1. Labor is cheap in India for only that fraction of the population that have money to pay for labor.    Having said that -  a key component of elder care in India and America is to have enough money to pay for care. Most people are not wealthy but by pooling resources early in life, they are able to amass wealth that can be used to pay for care.

2.  By being in a multi-generational family while they are still fairly young and healthy  -
- they are surrounded  by family members in the same household. They do not have to combat loneliness and insecurity
- they are helping their children and grandkid and strengthening family bonds.
- they are not burdened with the chores of home maintainence and running a household by themselves. 
- they are saving money.

I have observed that many elderly people in such situations have needed help (attendants or nursing homes) at pretty advanced age or stage of illness and they have not lived long once they need a lot of care and supervision.      I think loneliness, isolation and being cut off from family plays a part in dementia, addiction and mental illness.  Living in a familiar home and with family seems to make the memory loss slower.  [/quote]

It's a nice idea, but I don't see it working in all cultures.  When my parents visit, they are more of a burden than anything.  I have young children to shuttle around and a full time job, but when they're here, they want to me help them with a variety of things, and spend time with them that I don't have.  They also feel like they've done their job raising children, so while they're happy to sit down for a family dinner or go watch a soccer game, they're not willing to provide childcare or cook a meal.  [/quote]

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