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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thank you all for your advice and kind words. Believe it or not brother and I do not even know the names of agencies to call because this all hit us two days ago and yesterday was the first day brother saw the situation in person. Even this simple tip to call aging and disability helps because we are so stunned. I also didn’t know there are two types of Medicaid.

We had been estranged due to their lifestyle choices that have made their condition worse financially than it needs to be. We didn’t know how bad things have gotten, but Dad needs help even getting to the bathroom. My brother has a hard time by himself moving dad around the house. He needs to find a wheelchair. No clue what his medical issue is but Brother took him to get blood work done yesterday against his will. Mom cannot manage on her own without Dad because of Alzheimer’s.

I hate to say this but neither brother and I want to support them financially nor can we really afford to do it. It’s hard to explain but there is some bad history between us due to their choices, but they now seem so helpless and frail that we feel really awful. [/quote]

First: NO GUILT! NONE. Hear me? NO GUILT!  It took me a long time to come to terms with same for the same reasons.

Now onto business as my father just started hospice. Five years in denial, refusing to go back to family cross country, my mother getting weaker and weaker and wanting to go, yet refused to just leave him (almost 66 years of marriage and all the dynamics that go with that). My father expected MediCARE to take care of all their needs. Of course it would not have. I love my Dad but the greatest gift now he will give to my mother is passing without leaving her financial destitute.

Now onto Medicaid. Let’s say your mother goes into memory care and your father insists on staying in the house. They can’t take it from him legally but can put a lein on it, so after he dies, they get paid for her care. If they are both in state care, Medicaid can indeed attach the house, and will. If my father lingers past Sept 2, he will have to go to a group home and in order to not be denied Medicaid, my sister will have to pre-pay that place and immediately pay the last 1/2 of real estate taxes to get the savings down to 2K so he will be approved. At that point, my mother would get his social security less $200, and perhaps keep hers, but the social worker says that Medicaid will attach the house. And if my mother decides to downsize, Medicaid will get immediately paid off the top.

What the state cannot do is tap into your resources. What they will do is try and guilt you into taking both your parents into your care, promising hospice care or help which Medicare does provide. But when you push them for details, they admit that the burden of the work falls on the family caregivers. Meaning that if only one or two people provide the hospicing, it’s a 24/7 job with them coming three times per week for a total of 2.25 hours. A TOTAL OF, not each visit. Those are about 45 minutes.  The trauma this will cause you and your brother, and your families cannot be underestimated. I’ve done it for a relative with no real resources and damn near had a nervous breakdown. Don’t you DARE do that to yourself, nor should your brother do that to himself. Again, NO GUILT!

I wish there was a way I could contact you privately or you contact me, so I could help support you emotionally. I know how hard this is. [/quote]

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