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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m in the “crisis” phase of arranging in home care for parents who have lived in denial for years. Dad is now severely debilitated; mom more capable but *cannot* care for him at the level he needs. They are significantly lucky in that they/we have assets/money.

I live far away and my main goal is to get something stable in place. What is the most reliable way to get consistent care in the home?

There are agencies, but one aide company has so far failed to find us a live-in aide, I think because my dad needs more care than they really want to deal with. I called a private nursing place, but they are cobbling together shifts of various people and it seems like, for the long term, this may not be the best, plus what if the nurse fails to show?

Are there live-in LP nurses? Or any home services that, if someone can’t come, they send a replacement? I know we are lucky to have money to have this be an option, but so far care at home seems very difficult to arrange even if they money is there. I want to respect my parents’ desire for at home care but is this even feasible? How do people arrange it?

[/quote]

I always thought that home care was the best, most logical option.

Once my father started to decline, it became obvious that an assisted living facility was the only practical option for non-wealthy people with some money and no in-town close relatives without full-time jobs.

If one relative has no work outside the home or can quit work and manage the home care, keeping parents at home can work.

But you need an adult with a lot of free time or a butler, housekeeper or care manager to oversee the care if a relative can’t do that.

So, the actual cost of home care for a family without a spare relative to manage the care is much higher than the ALF cost.

And, as annoying as an ALF might be, it’s much better equipped to handle problems than relatives without nursing experience will be.

I slept in my father’s ALF room for a week when he was dying, and the ALF people were simply much better at feeding my father, bathing him, dressing him, etc. than I would have been. I know that many people manage home care for relatives, but there are also a lot of people who run marathons. A lot of us are not natural fits for doing things like that. [/quote]

I just wanted to add to this since we had the situation of being able to afford all the incase and I, one of the adult children, lived close enough to be a contact realtive. Residential is still better. The case managers claim it is seamless, it is not.

It's not that you hire someone to live there all the time and clean and cook and do all the jobs. Think about it and spend a few hours doing what you expect the person to do day and night. It would be abuse of labor. They have shifts and despite what they tell you people no show. The person on the previous shift is not supposed to leave until the one on the next shift shows, but that is unrealistic because people have other jobs, kids, their own ill loved ones, medical appointments.

Stuff goes missing so don't have valuables around. Sadly it's not the distant caregiver who is the one doing the stealing. In our case it was a beloved caregiver who our parent just adored. Heartbreaking.

If the person has say a year to live and you have a willing adult child in the area willing to keep an eye on things that is one thing. This can go on for years and years and that adult child can have her own illnesses, her own life stressors/family stressors and in our case it went from the other siblings being appropriate and appreciative to taking advantage and treating me far worse than hired help and i did for free of course. I think it would be rude and assuming to expect random relatives to oversee anything. You are much better off being grateful for any visits from cousins/nephews/nieces because it makes them happy and provides social stimulation. Do not ask them to do x,y, weekly, simply thank them when they do visit even if it's once a year. Life is far more stressful than it was in the olden days and people have are living longer in worse shape and too often it comes with behavioral issues that scare people off. I can tell you as the adult child I burned out when enough other stressors hit my life and the parent grew basically abusive-I'll call a spade a spade and siblings were entitled. I made a big mistake. It would have been better off for everyone to find a fancy residential living situation and simply visiting to check on things and leaving at the first sign of bad behavior. One of my siblings tried to take advantage of the kindness of relatives and that backfired big time.[/quote]

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