Reply to Borderline Personality

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Borderline Personality"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here

I am probably more the passive codependent type, much to my chagrin — despite being educated and with my own career. I grew up seeing my mother tolerate my father’s physical abuse and though it infuriated me I guess I didn’t have an example of how to set boundaries.

It also has been exhausting to do so in this relationship. And now I know why.

Thanks to all who posted with their experiences. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I need to be open minded and prepare for all possibilities, including that this will end.[/quote]

Hugs, OP. It is very hard to reach middle age and to be able to see how you have repeated some of the mistakes your own parents made. I'm the child of a narcissistic dad and a codependent mom (who could be borderline, it's hard to say, I'm not a psychiatrist) and I definitely realized in my mid-30s that many of my own relationships choices mirrored some of those dynamics.

It helps that my DH is not a full blown narcissist like my dad (who is truly incapable of empathy or considering the needs, or even really the existence, of people outside of himself). DH has ADHD and has some narcissistic tendencies, but the main issues tend to be high rigidity and some poor communication skills, especially around feelings. But he's actually been open to working on it, and that makes all the difference. He can recognize when he's being unreasonable and will make an effort to be more flexible. He apologizes when his words are hurtful or when his behavior harms me or our DC, and his apologies are genuine and no effort to manipulate or re-start an abuse cycle (this was not always the case but we've come a long way).

I've also had to do a lot of work on my codependency, learning to both recognize my own needs and assert them. Not just with DH but also with DC -- my mom modeled martyrdom my entire childhood and I have to work not to repeat that pattern.

I think the fact that we are both willing to recognize that the way we were taught to behave in relationships didn't work and we want to do better, makes all the difference. Simply being able to admit you need to work on yourself and being willing to make changes for the benefit of your partner and family unit works against NPD and BPD. So it sounds like you are on a better path, whatever the future brings. Good luck.[/quote]

OP here. Thanks so much, I really appreciate your post. I am in therapy and working on the codependency.

My DH was more like yours pre COVID. He hit a rough patch during COVID and it has really worsened. I have trouble accepting some days that due to the mental illness he just may not be able to see the impact of his rages and shouting.

He reins it in towards the kids. I am very torn about leaving because it would mean seeing my kids half the time, when they’re still quite young (elementary) and leaving my home which I love. I will need to see how willing he is to accept help but seems like a long road ahead.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics