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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Just don’t stress about it. I realized that I’d make myself crazy trying to cover for my DH to maintain the level of what I would do. I would have to nag him all the time and get in the middle of things. So I just let myself off the hook for that relationship. Do I think it’s incredibly rude of “us” when it’s November and we haven’t confirmed our holiday schedule when our in laws have offered to host us? YES. *I* would never do that. But it’s not my problem, it’s my husband’s problem. They raised him and that’s why he sucks. I can’t fix it for them now. [/quote]

+1 Let his family know early and often that you expect your husband to be an equal partner in arranging his side’s holidays, vacations and birthdays. Direct them to your husband until they get the message. Being an owner of a vagina does not mean you’re in charge of all social niceties.[/quote]

I organize engagements with my side, he does it with his.  He's not very good at it so we don't see them often and never get them gifts, unless I'm ordering baskets for everyone, which is easy.  His family makes comments as if it's my responsibility. Last christmas his mom even said, "I'm so glad you let Larlo spend Christmas with us".  I responded "Oh, im not responsible for anything he does.  He plans the trips to see you
  I'm just along for the ride.  I do the Smith side; he does the Jones side".  I could almost see her mind explode.[/quote]

I'm a DIL with only daughters and I actually think this is pretty unfair. Wives are perfectly fine with husbands who don't make plans or have opinions as long as it means the wife can just dictate everything and get what she wants. Its wrong to use this power dynamic to avoid DH's family and try to claim its "not your fault" he "didn't make plans."[/quote]

Agreed. 
And, if you are fine with your DH making no plans with his parents, then you should be fine with him making no plans with you too. [/quote]

I don't know why you would equate a DH not making plans with his parents to not making plans with a DW.  My DH doesn't make plans with his parents but he had no problems making plans with me when we were dating and has had no problems making plans with me in our 28 years of marriage. I don't think my DH is unusual in that.

If/when my DH has behaviors that are problematic for me, I discuss it with him.  I don't expect his parents, his siblings, his admin assist, etc. to step in and get him to behave in a way that I want him to.  He's responsible for his actions.  I hold him accountable for his behavior (or lack thereof). In the same way, I hold my DSs' accountable for their behaviors and relationship with me and their father (my DH).  If I'm disappointed in not seeing them as much as I'd like, I address it with them.  They are responsible for their choices. [/quote]

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