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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I feel you about the lack of real weird around here!  I remember joining a hobby that I very much enjoyed and making friends (I have some normal friends -- I'm very very good at pretending to be normal) who kept talking about how this hobby was full of wonderful people who let them really embrace because weird and unusual and how it was so nice and welcoming... when they were all people I would absolutely classify as "normal."  I miss being the comparatively normal one sometimes, honestly.  I'm planning to move soon and I really hope my new area has some genuine nutters (affectionate).[/quote]

YES. I had an off-beat hobby for a while thinking it would help me find people who are a little more off-beat like I am. Instead it was full of lawyers, consultants, and other professionals who turned the hobby into just another thing to be ultra-competitive and intense about. I still always felt like the "weird one" because I didn't work for some big name firm or company, I had not recently bought a condo or SFH in a nice neighborhood, and I didn't take regular vacations to the Caribbean, skiing out west, or European capitals. They were all super conformist and it was like this one off-beat hobby was another way of conforming -- I'm a corporate lawyer but in my free time I box/roller derby/circus/pole dance/etc.

People in DC work very hard to meet the expectations other people set for them, even when doing things considered "alternative" or "indie", and if you truly walk to the beat of your own drum, it's hard to find kindred spirits here.[/quote]

You are impossible. Your experience could easily have taught you a completely different lesson -- like, "you can't judge a book by its cover, and next time I see a lawyer, consultant or other professional, I'm not going to make shallow assumptions about who they are on the inside." [/quote]

You are missing the point. It's not about judging someone, it's about the fact that doing one off-beat hobby doesn't make you non-conformist if in every other way you are a conformist. And when you get a bunch of pretty conformist people together doing something unusual, they will make that unusual activity conformist. So if you are someone who is neuro-divergent or just struggle to fit in, you might join that hobby think you will find people like you, people who who feel like outsiders, only to find that everyone else there is really similar to one another in very socially-approved ways.

The lawyers and consultants I met in this hobby were what they appeared to be -- competitive and fairly traditional. Their choice of hobby did not actually reflect a more unusual way of viewing the world or a refusal to engage in cultural norms for their own sake. Which is great for them! They seemed nice. But I still didn't fit in with them.[/quote]

Maybe they chose the hobby because they liked it. Maybe you have more in common with people than you think.[/quote]

I'm sure they did choose it because they liked it. I did not feel welcome or like a part of their group because the only thing I had in common with them was this hobby, and people could not relate to my background or the way I arrange or prioritize my life. They were relatively narrow in that regard.

Look, I get my comment seems to have triggered you (I'm guessing your a lawyer type with an off-beat hobby) but it's not actually about you. I'm talking about MY experience, which is that I joined an unusual hobby thinking I'd find people like me because I sometimes struggle to fine people I have things in common with. And instead I found that most of the people there had a lot in common with each other but not with me, and I continued to feel like an outsider. Conversations at the hobby tended to gravitate toward the same topics that a lot of UMC urban professionals tend to discuss at work or at happy hours or at parties. The fact that we were doing a somewhat unusual hobby didn't seem to factor much into it.

That is my experience and even if you feel personally insulted by it, that doesn't change the fact that it was my experience.[/quote]

I'm not insulted or triggered. I'm also not a lawyer with a quirky hobby. My entire life is quirky, for this area at least. This area is incredibly dull.  FYI all of the friends I've made since becoming a parent have come in through the back door. They were not people I ever imagined I'd have something in common with or click with. But we just kept seeing each other over and over and over until we were connected. Then once we were friends and started sharing, guess what, we have a lot more in common than I thought we did. People don't tell you the weird things for a long time.[/quote]

Good for you. What does any of that have to do with the fact that when I sought out an unusual hobby in the hopes of meeting other people who felt like square pegs in round holes, instead I found that most of the people there were quite conventional in ways that were similar to one another but not to me, and I once again felt like an outsider?

None of those people wanted to see me outside of that hobby, which I went to for years, because they thought I was weird and they wanted to spend time with people who had more similar backgrounds and jobs to them. Our shared hobby was not enough to connect us.

You are acting like I rejected them and don't seem to get that they rejected me.[/quote]

I was just trying to help you see things differently. That's all. There are as many different ways of experiencing reality as there are people on this planet. Sometimes seeing things a different way resonates and sets you free. But I won't add any more insights.[/quote]

A note for the future. Telling someone "you're impossible" and antagonizing them is not the perspective-widening approach you think it is. I was on this thread this morning because I am feeling frustrated and lonely, and you attacked everything I said like I'm some idiot who doesn't understand my own experience.

I think think possibly YOU are the one who needs to expand your perspective to accept that not everyone experiences life as you do and that when someone is complaining about an experience, it's not always their own fault and they can't always "fix" their problem by just behaving as you behave.[/quote]

I've read your posts about this subject on multiple threads over time. They're heart-wrenching. Sorry I tried to fix it for you. I won't do it again.[/quote]

As a general note, people vastly overestimate the usefulness of trying to "offer a different perspective." Often it is better to try and understand the perspective of the person speaking -- most people are looking to feel understood, not to be given a list of things to fix about themselves. The reason some people feel "weird" or not accepted is that they don't feel understood by others. Taking a moment to ask questions and seek understanding is so much more powerful for someone like that than reaching straight for "let me explain how to fix this." Especially if you don't know the person at all -- imagine how you'd feel if a total stranger walked up to you and started telling you what to change about yourself. Probably not great.[/quote]

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