Reply to "You should have another kid"

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Reply to ""You should have another kid""

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]People should never ever say this. I will say, though, that the most miserable special needs parents I know have one child. Having other children without special needs is a relief and a joy and helps balance it out. Feel free to disagree, but it’s been my observation at all of the many many many special needs settings we have been in. And then of course, there are those parents with multiple kids with special needs, which has to be so very hard. So, I get it. [/quote]

It could be that the 'most miserable special needs parents' you know are [b]the ones with their hands already more than full and are therefore the least able to handle another child[/b]. In other words, being less miserable in the first place allowed the other families to have another child, rather than your assumption that having the other child lessened the misery.

Also, of course, many special needs have a genetic component, so people have to consider those odds, too. That next kid may have special needs as well, thus doubling any misery!

Your statement also kind of assumes that kids with special needs don't provide joy in and of themselves, which is generally not the case.[/quote]

DP.  But that's the thing, you can only hold so much - focusing 100% on one child isn't great for the child or the parent, without SN; adding SN means diluting the focus is more important.

We have two kids, both with SN, and I wish we could have three to dilute things, but because of health issues we can't.  [/quote]

If I'm understanding you correctly, you're saying that everyone should always have more than one child because parents of only children focus 100% on their child and that "isn't great" for the child or parent? That sounds like you're opposed to one-child families as a general principle, and that you believe the only way parents can "dilute the focus" on their children is by having additional children? Is that a correct understanding of your position?[/quote]

Yeah, that was my read as well. Peopel sure do have a lot of opinions on how many children everyone is "supposed" to have. I don't care how many kids anyone has, but will note that I know a number of adults who were only children who are great people and I've never thought to myself "wow this person would be better if only their parental attention had been diluted a bit more."

Also, perhaps PP isn't aware that it's also possible to have one kid and still not be a super intensive parent who is super-duper lasered in on your kid. Like that's one style of parenting, but you can also be a laid back parent of one child who gives you kid plenty of time to themselves, room to make decisions (and mistakes), and freedom. Many parents have jobs, hobbies, caregiving duties for other family members, volunteer work, or just active inner lives that help them stay balanced parents even without creating a whole other person to distract them from the first child.[/quote]

But for many of not most special needs, more intensive parenting is required. It’s not a “style”. It’s a function of extra needs. [/quote]

So if it’s required, why is it a good thing to dilute it? It feels like you’re setting up a scenario for guaranteed parental burnout with this mindset.[/quote]

PP here.  Somewhat more intensive parenting is required, but with more children to spread focus, then less burnout will happen. [/quote]

No, your logic is flawed. Parents aren't less burnt out by having their parenting spread between more children. You may claim that CHILDREN receive less attention by having more siblings, and less attention is a good thing for them. But parents don't have X amount of attention they give children and that amount gets divided based on the number of children they have. More children require more parental energy, PLUS the additional energy required to divide attention properly. [b]Parents, ALL parents, avoid burn out by focusing on things other than parenting - hobbies, work, etc.[/b] [/quote]

Bwahahaha!  Parents avoid burnout by focusing on work?  Equating hobbies and work in the same sentence is also something. Are you a childless 80 yo who never worked, perhaps? Because work contributes to burnout A LOT. [/quote]

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