Reply to Happy Valentine’s Day teen anecdote - I hope it uplifts some of you too

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have an Autistic teen and I didn't think of the perspective of the girl who did the rejecting, although I agree that is a good point (especially knowing that some insulted her "he can do better" etc.).  I might feel differently about it if everyone was clearly supportive of her and just trying to make him feel included.

But an additional point nobody has made, the disability community typically doesn't like this kind of "inspo porn," like everyone feels bad for this poor Autistic kid so they shower him with valentines to make him feel better. As someone who has difficulty with social norms, that is SO confusing and very infantilizing. My kid would be thrilled and horrified at the same time.[/quote]

I’m quoting my own post here. I asked my DD about this article without any opinion or discussion.  She said “ew mom.  He shouldn’t have done that.  The girl has a right to say no.  It’s called consent.”  So much for Autistic people being “slow” (?!?!?).  Also, something is a little weird about this story.  As a parent of an Autistic child, you see them rejected CONSTANTLY.  It’s not because other kids are cruel or mean (although some of them may be), the majority of kids just don’t know how to interact with someone who is different and who doesn’t socialize in the same way.  My DD can’t have the chatty, back and forth conversations that many teen girls have in groups.  But she’ll hone in on a special interest and “info dump” to someone she likes.  NT kids don’t know how to deal with that, or many other of her ways of interacting, so they reject and keep their distance.  She’s never included. And if some huge group of cheerleaders one day made some public display of “inclusion” it would feel pitying and fake and GROSS.  Would she be thrilled initially like this kid was?  Maybe.  But these kids are HUMAN. And mine is SMART, this shit would be painful.  How would you like it if you were considered the “loser” at work, and you felt it every day of your life, you just did not fit in.  And you were never included.  And then one day the “lunch bunch” of executives give you a big card like “you’re popular in my book!” “We always miss you at lunch!” “You’re not a loser.”  I mean - if feel maybe like that was nice until I had a chance to think about it, and then I’d want to hide under my desk.[/quote]

My teens on the ASD are / were very hit and miss with social cues especially DD. They are both gifted according to testing but in different ways.

I feel ambivalent about this story for different reasons - DS did experience a lot of bullying when younger before he shot up and bulked up. I would usually need to intervene and let school handle it. He is flourishing now but it was a long long road. DD has experienced a lot of bullying both in person and online. Again I would need to intervene but tried to do it in a way that the school could work with her and the bullies.

Obviously the grand gesture of the boy in public was super awkward and it was a horrible spot to put that poor girl in. The mom owned that.

So I was pleasantly surprised that the popular teens made such efforts of inclusion. It is obviously not as good as having genuine friendships with peers but it was a lot better than often goes on at schools with neurodivergent peers in mainstream settings m. It shows their hearts are in the right place and that there is hope for more normal non public friendships.

There is non perfect solution to find ways to include people who don’t quite fit in. I agree that pity is not the answer but we should not assume it was out of pity . They may genuinely like this boy as he is a nice kid who doesn’t hurt anyone.  [/quote]

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