Reply to Both my husband and I have no friends

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I really feel for you. I moved for college and then grad school and then to this area. The women I know with close knit groups of friends ( real friendships, not cliques based on some external connections) all grew up up and stayed here, going to college locally or in the DMV. Many of their spouses know each other for the same reasons. I have a couple good friends who I met through work but over YEARS turned into real friends. My best friends from grad school are somewhat far away and I am not so good about keeping in touch but I try. I had PDA/PDD and really struggled and isolated myself when my oldest was born and that really didn’t help.

I am yet to meet another mom through my kids who I would say has become a real friend. My oldest is 8 and just now I think I am clicking a bit with one mom who lives nearby. However in the meantime I have decided to change my attitude to one of gratitude for every relationship regardless of whether or not it looks like a BFF relationship like you read about in women’s fiction. There are a couple Girl Scouts moms I like chatting with, who are kind and pleasant. I am grateful for that outlet, especially now that I WAH all the time. Same for my neighbors. One of my sons friends has the same medical condition as my daughter and his mom and I are resources for each other on that, though we don’t have that much in common otherwise. Anyway I am gently suggesting you make sure you are not being rigid in how you define “friends” and it may take some of the stress off some of your relationships.

I read (ok didn’t quite finish!) how to win friends and influence people at one point and you might like that. But the biggest take away is just to be warm and interested in other people. I think he says something like be the gold retriever who just is so happy to see you every day. I used to be so worried about assuming too much or playing things cool and I’ve really changed my attitude. I smile a lot and warmly greet every person I meet. I am not afraid to make polite chat with people I only sort or recognize. I introduce myself to all of parents and try to remember names. If there is some one I click with even a little I invite them to things - like a mom I know also wanted to get back to the sport we both used to play and I gave her my number and invited her to come with me to the next lesson I was going to. Here’s the thing- even if they don’t take you up on it most people like being invited/included in a low key/low pressure way. And if they don’t then they aren’t the friend for you.

Finally, the situation with your DH does sound a little extreme. I would concentrate on making individual friends and not couple friends, and maybe have him see a therapist or something? Having no friends and being pointedly excluded at work must feel awful. Does he want to make an effort to change things? Not everyone does; my friend from school is married to a guy who is an extreme introvert and gets enough interaction from her and their kids.[/quote]

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