Reply to SAHMs and marriage dynamics?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The SAHMs on here will tell you things are perfect and their DH's respect them as equals, nay, respect them more than ever.

The people with paid jobs on here will tell you this is not the dynamic they observe. The respect is more patronizing, and definitely not as a peer.  I agree with the PP above who says law firm partners have an uncomfortable relationship with their sahws.  They really do love and respect their wives, but when they say "she has the hardest job in the world" while the DH's work 90 hours a week, can't exercise, don't see their kids, and their doctor is telling them their heart numbers are creeping up.... (none of those things that they are happy about) - there is something disingenuous about the whole thing.  At minimum, they definitely don't think of their wives as intellectual peers.  [/quote]

I work but I find this comment more patronizing than most things I've heard working dads say about their SAHM wives, to be honest.

If someone tells me that they have a good dynamic and an equitable marriage, I take them at their word. I find it really gross to sit there and second guess it and say "oh you say that but I think your husband doesn't view you as a peer." It's just crazy judgmental and it's not up to you to decide what the internal dynamic of someone else's marriage is.

This is going to vary a lot depending on the people involved, but PP's attitude that SAHMs cannot be intellectual or truly valued as much as their husband's are really rubs me the wrong way. Raising kids and taking care of a home are valuable jobs that SAHMs don't get paychecks for. I'm sure sometimes their husbands don't respect or appreciate it, but also I think sometimes they do.

Also, you don't need one partner to work 90 hour weeks in order to afford a SAHP. Many single-income families I know of just arrange their budget around one income and that person works reasonable hours. These families are not rich or jetting around the world on vacation or fully funding four 529s or anything, but they are financially sound and have relatively low-stress lives and appear to have good marriages where one spouse works a decent paying job (in most cases making like 200-250k) and the other does a lot of the work they'd otherwise outsource and manages the budget, and it's pretty symbiotic.[/quote]

I'm the big law partner PP, and just to be clear, I also think men's attitudes about this are gross. I'm just noting my observation that many of the men I'm around don't see their SAHM wives as intellectual equals or providing equally valuable contributions to the family. If anything, I think it's abhorrent that this career path all but requires you to have a stay at home spouse due to the long, unpredictable hours, but then fosters a culture that respects only resume-worthy accomplishments. I agree that SAHMs should be valued and respected, but the fact remains that in many cases, they are not. That is especially hurtful when you consider that many big law partners marry women who they met as classmates at their Ivy League college or law school, or met as coworkers before she took a step back to have kids. It's something I struggle with quite a bit personally; it's difficult to juggle my career and my husband's career while taking care of a family, and we make it work only by hiring a large number of people to handle all of the driving, cooking, cleaning, errands, etc. My husband makes a lot more money than I do and is very supportive of anything that I want to do, but I have yet been able to convince myself to take a step back, in part because I see how these men - colleagues in law firms, C-suite business people I work with, etc. - view their wives and I don't want that in my marriage. [/quote]

You're contradicting yourself.  You say you have this awesome supportive husband and that you're "struggling quite a bit personally," yet you won't step back.  Clearly it's because it's YOU who only respects "resume-worthy accomplishments."  You're projecting your own insecurities onto others.  It's just so odd that you allow what you see men doing (or, more accurately, what you perceive these men to be doing) to influence your own choices.  [/quote]

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