Reply to Disciplining the undisciplinable

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Reply to "Disciplining the undisciplinable - HELP me with my 4yo DD"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Completely recommend against a sticker chart or other reward type system. Smart kids don’t react well to them in the ling term. Also, don’t do time out. That’s the worst for a kid with anxiety. Do time IN when a parent takes child to a quiet place and provides a calm unreactive presence for as long as the child needs to calm down.[/quote]

Agree with this. We had a difficult year with our DD when she was 3 and some of it sounds like what OP is talking about. Reward systems are really bad for DD and tend to stress her out. Even now, several years later, when we've addressed the behavioral issues that emerged at 3, we are super wary of reward systems in classrooms. She won't melt down like she used to but it creates a source of stress and anxiety for her.  Same with time outs or anything that feels like a rejection when she's behaving poorly. It triggers this instant fear of abandonment.

What does work:

- [b]Using music, comfort items, little games and rituals to make difficult or unpleasant tasks more fun and easier for her.[/b] Back when we were going through this, we had a playlist with a song for literally every transition or chore that had to be done every day. A brushing teeth song, a set of bath songs, getting dressed songs, songs for relaxing, songs for eating. We still sing some of these songs on hard days. Music is really central to DD's well being and you can see her visibly relax and adjust when we put on music. We continue to use music a lot to keep things even keel in our house. Also comfort items like special lovies or stuffed animals. Having ritual words to say before school, after school, before bed. All of this creates a comforting framework that seems to relax her and help her be her best self.

- [b]In the moment when you want to give a time out, offer a hug instead.[/b] I still do this one. When she's just losing it and being so obstinate and difficult (won't eat offered food, won't get dressed, is getting whiny, etc.), I say, "It seems like you are having a hard time right now. Would you like a hug?" I was VERY skeptical of this tactic when we started, and it also took practice to override my instinct to want to get away from her when she is annoying the crap out of me and instead offer connection. But it's like magic. After we hug, she can often articulate whatever feeling is causing the poor behavior (often: tired, hungry, frustrated, still stewing over something from earlier or last week that felt unjust). And we can have a conversation and move forward.[/quote]

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