Reply to Who should help take care of MIL? A very complicated family dynamic.

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Who should help take care of MIL? A very complicated family dynamic."

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You all need to sit down and hash this out, OP.  Most likely, they need to hire caregivers and find their own place to live.  Moving MIL to a rural area isn’t a great idea *unless* there is outstanding medical care nearby - usually not the case, but there are are exceptions.

Generally, too much is being expected of the women in this situation.[/quote]

OP here -

They do have somewhere to live. They can live at their second property which is about 10 minutes away from a small community hospital. There are specialists and primary care doctors in the area. It is a small area but there is resources available. [/quote]

Got it.  And if they move there, everything falls to FIL, correct?  Is he on board with that?  Driving her to every appointment, etc.?

It sounds like a lousy situation all around.[/quote]

OP here. Correct, everything falls on him.

But ... I feel like I'm going to catch heat for this ... isn't that kind of FIL's role as her spouse to take care of her? It was FIL and MIL's retirement plan all along to move to their rural cabin and live out the rest of their lives in their retirement. They still plan on moving there. They just haven't made any kind of concrete arrangements and their plan is to continue MIL's medical care 1.5 - 2hrs away when they do move rather than shift medical care providers.[/quote]

It's not anybody's duty to be someone else's full time caregiver. That is the quickest way to end up with lousy care, and burnout and resentment. It's one thing if money is an issue and someone in the family has to do it. But in this case it seems like it's just that no one thinks that the women's lives are worth anything so they are going to get stuck taking care of someone they aren't even related to.

Obviously none of this is your call. But to the extent you have a say or a voice, I would really advocate for getting regular help. The family can pitch in and provide the emotional support. But it is not fair, right, or reasonable to expect that other people are going to sacrifice their lives to care for MIL - if they volunteer to do it, fine, so be it. I know families where this is how it works. Heck in my own family, my father provides most of the care for my mother, who has multiple medical issues - but she doesn't need full time care (she's mobile, though can't drive or get around easily). And he still has the flexibility to be away for part of every day (not overnight though). He does this because he wants to, though. If he didn't, then we would make sure there was someone there who did want to be there, because it's their job.

But even then there should be paid backup. How in the world does it make sense for people to be fighting over who is going to do this, in a rich family?

I don't know about this cabin plan. Sounds unrealistic to me. Perhaps your in laws are clinging to a dream about the life they thought they'd be having now.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics