Reply to Nonstop fighting at Thanksgiving, how do I make it stop?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]If you are a guest in their home, you’re accepting who and how they are.[/b] If you can’t accept that, you need to either stay in a hotel, or host yourself so that you are on your own turf.

If you choose to visit their chaotic environment, just be prepared for KNOWN factors. Have a stash of your own food, have things to keep your kids entertained—so that when dinner is late or incomplete, you are at least fed and occupied.

Mess, so what. It’s not your mess, it’s a few days. Go out as much as you can, even if you have to make up errands like needing a pharmacy item. Why make a cup of tea in their house when you can go buy a magazine, get a Starbucks and enjoy 20 minutes of peace in the parking lot?

If they ask rude questions, say you’re not discussing that with them. If they make a rude comment, say “That’s not polite” and then move on. You don’t have to take it, but don’t try to change them or go deep about it. Just refuse to engage and keep it moving.[/quote]

Um, no. Parents are rude with the judgment and intrusive questions. I'd just ignore those and not answer. Steer to other topics. And tell them they are being rude. Then shorten the visits.

You say they're wonderful grandparents. And maybe they are now. But that sort of thing will eventually spill over to your kids.[/quote]

This is true!  I think being a guest means you have to accept your host's foibles (mess, chaos, etc) but the intrusive questions and unsolicited advice are rude and you definitely don't have to answer said questions and more than that you want to model how to not answer said questions (ideally without a fight!) for your kids so the long term relationship between grandparents and grandchildren can continue to be good.  Grey rock is good, seeing if you can redirect back to the parents is good ("Your teeth are worse; what are you doing about them?" "What's wrong with my teeth?  Have you been having dental issues?  What helped yours?"), just ignoring and redirecting is good.  I get that the feeling of being the odd one out/the one who doesn't fit is really hard -- do you have close friends/other family who you can text to blow off steam or talk to about things that matter to you while you're there?

I will say, I think the other thing that it might help if you can let go of that your life is "better" than theirs.  Your post has a lot of digs at them -- not liking how they cook/schedule/live and implying that no one should like that; saying that they have "zero interest in volunteering or making a difference in the world" as if their corporate jobs or SAH parenting less than your startup or volunteer work.  I get that this is probably in reaction to them tell you that your choices make you a bad parent but do consider that you're saying the same to them.  Naturally this will result in explosions.  You can own and enjoy your choices without putting people who make different ones down.  (And yes, they should ALSO be doing this work but it sounds like they're probably not going to because they unlike you don't actually think that adults having loud screaming fights is actually a problem.)[/quote]

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