Reply to Nonstop fighting at Thanksgiving, how do I make it stop?

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Reply to "Nonstop fighting at Thanksgiving, how do I make it stop?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I, too, have hoarding, overbearing, immigrant parents who have been saying they cannot change for as long as I can remember.  So I hear you.

But it strikes me that your post is filled with trivial (i.e., why are you getting so upset about being "late" when you are in their town on their schedule) and the really serious.

This is buried in your post, but of course it is the lede:  "To a stranger, it might look like their comments are no big deal, but to me, they hit at the core of never fitting in or being respected, of having crippling low self-esteem because I was never good enough, always getting advice for how to do everything better. So I lose my cool and lash out, and they yell at me, and then we are fighting in front of the kids."

You are an adult now, and you need to understand that their comments to you are really about them.  Like you have internalized their advice giving as being about your perceived incompetence but it's likely about their anxiety and desire to control

Posters here always have good suggestions on types of counseling but the last kind you did does not seem like it was sufficient for where you are today.  I'd suggest reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.[/quote]

THIS.  It's so true.

I have family issues, too - not like yours, but every family has issues.  And I was talking to a therapist once and we were talking about my brother, who is a bit anal and has everything very very organized and is very regimented.  The therapist said to me, but he's also impacted by your family, just differently than you.  His response is to go in the opposite direction, being neat and overly organized.  It's anxiety manifested in the opposite direction.

You, OP, are kinda like my brother.  It's your response to their dysfunction that defines you.  You must be opposite them.

I know it is not easy, but you need to learn to drop the rope.  Gray rock.  Not let it bother you.  You are visiting them, and then you are going home to haven you have made.  Their comments do not matter, and they should roll off you.  Mmm-hmmm should be one of the only things you allow yourself to say.  Remember - you cannot change them.  You can only change how you respond.  I agree with others that perhaps some more therapy and a little more distance would do you good.  [/quote]

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