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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Does anyone enter marriage anymore and just not consider divorce an option?  We've been married for 25 years.  We have five children.  We've had some rough times.  But we made a commitment to each other and we took our wedding vows very seriously. My husband knows that he is the most important person in my life.  He takes priority over the kids, our parents, our extended family, our friends....

We have several friends who have divorced over the years.  The common theme seems to be a lack of respect from the wife.  Next time you are out with your friends, listen to the way they talk about their husbands.  How do you talk to your own husband at home?  Do you speak negatively about him to friends?  Does he feel loved and most of all respected.  All you have to do is turn on the television....commercial after commercial depict men as stupid creatures that could not possibly survive without the help of their (nagging, condescending) wives.  Think about the number of television shows that make men look inept.

Women need to feel safe and loved.  Men, above all else, need to feel respected. If your husband doesn't feel valued and respected at home, there are plenty of women out there who will give him those things.  It's not right.  But it's reality.  Men need to be the "king of their castle".  
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I agree with a lot of what you wrote. But just because I don't consider divorce an option, doesn't mean my husband feels that way. It really only takes one person to divorce. The thing is though I agree with what you said, I am probably guilty of condescending my husband, but he has hurt me a lot over the years. Once the passion phase ended, he started prioritizing everything in his life over me, including other friends. He stopped putting me first pretty early on, and he has some intimacy issues and has used sex as a weapon. So I didn't feel secure or supported, and it was hard for me to let him feel like the king of his castle. It has to work both ways or someone suffers, badly.

What I am learning is that though both of caused problems in our marriage, it only takes one person to really heal a marriage. What I mean by that is that by putting my needs aside for a while, and giving him what he needs, he will want to (and is, slowly) give me what I need. The problem is that people tend to not be able to bite that bullet and be the patient, kind, forgiving one when the other spouse is being the opposite. But if you can do that, I am finding that the other person does slowly change.

I'm learning so much and am reading a great book by John Gottman about how a couple needs to build their "bank" of positive interactions and the more you have in your bank, the less negative interactions affect you (because they are inevitable). Anyway I posted before and we are making a lot of progress. I think we have the potential to have a great marriage - and a deeper love. But it does take work!

Interestingly I read that the vast majority of divorces in this country are instigated by women, and the number 1 reason is "mental cruelty." It is because women need to feel secure and supported and it's easy for a man to let that go once they are married and are done with that passion phase. So it's not just women being condescending. The men of this country have a lot to learn - it starts with how we raise our sons. We have to let them know it's okay to feel things, to get hurt, to be vulnerable. A lot of men have trouble with that and it can cause problems. Understanding gender differences is hugely helpful! Women need security and men need to feel competent. But women think men need what they need and they can inadvertantly undermine the man by offering that, and men think women need what men need and they can undermine the woman by offering that. It's why a man always tries to solve our problems when sometimes we just want them to listen and sympathize.

Just curious, did you go through a bad rough patch at all earlier in your marriage?[/quote]

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