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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am in a similar boat, except I also have 2 kids with SN although milder. My nephew is not yet speaking much.

We do a lot of traveling to see them for the holidays and to keep routines in place. We stay in hotels and visit their house so that everyone has spaces to retreat to if needed. I do a lot of coaching/ answering basic questions for our parents in terms of what to expect based on info Inget from my brother.  That gives them space to say unhelpful things like “shouldn’t he be *** by now” without my brother and sister in law having to put up with that. (This is at my brother’s request.)

I have also tried to visit with their family with just me. When my kids or parents are there, I am busy managing those interactions.  I want to know my nephew and for him to know me outside of the chaos of big family visits.  So this looks like me traveling to them whenever I can and just hanging out while they do their regular activities.  This is earned me a nickname from my nephew that is in his communication device. I am jellybean since I once brought him purple jellybeans. ( If he had another sibling I would want to spend separate time with them too.)

It means a lot to me that my nephew will sit next to me when I visit. I sometimes get a high five or a hug too.  It has taken time to build that relationship, so I encourage you to invest that time if possible. [/quote]

You sound like a wonderful sister and I love that your nephew's name for you is jellybean. I am so grateful for my sister who runs similar interference with my unhelpful and judgmental parents. [/quote]

OP here.  Did you ask your sister to run interference or did it just sort of happen? Sounds like the first PP's brother asked her to play that role, but I'm curious how it came about for you. My brother hasn't asked me to do anything like that yet, but our family tends to be judgmental and uninformed about many things and my brother has already made comments to be about how he expects to hear a bunch of criticism when he shares his child's diagnosis (he hasn't told anyone else yet). I'd gladly run interference for my brother if he wants me to, but I don't know if he'd ever come out and ask me to do so.  I'm trying to stay in my lane while also being as supportive as possible.[/quote]

I had shared with my sister about the health/behavioural/developmental/etc. issues we were having with our child as we were going through all sorts of testing, evaluations, interventions, and therapies trying to sort out what the diagnoses may or may not be. I had talked about some of these issues with my parents and found them to be supremely unhelpful and frankly judgmental so I had zero interest in disclosing anything further to them. So, my sister was really my only family support. I don't recall asking her to "run interference" but because she is so supportive, sensitive, and accommodating to our difficult situation, she has been really helpful in managing my parents. For example, my mom wanted to plan a 1-2 week family vacation involving a 12 hour flight to the destination and shared accommodation. Before my mom really had a chance to push it too much with me, my sister intervened and suggested a much more manageable trip that was driving distance and allowed my family to stay nearby but not in the same house as my parents.

It's tough because I do wish I felt comfortable sharing more with my parents, but I just really don't, given how they reacted when I have tried to talk to them about it before, coupled with how I've heard them talk about their friends' children/grandchildren who have special needs/disabilities. I feel forced to keep them at a distance. I'm sure they can tell things aren't completely normal with our kid and they dance around the topic somewhat but so far I haven't been able to bring myself to trust them with any additional information. I'm sure this is not a sustainable approach, but it's where I am right now, given how challenging and exhausting everything in my life is. Luckily we now live very far away so only see them 2x a year if that. I'm able to avoid them. [/quote]

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