Reply to Does anyone have a sibling they may one day be responsible for?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I was a case worker for mentally I’ll older people, and things are much more stable for people who own their home. People who rent or live in governement housing can be evicted, and landlords will work to evict mentally ill people who are disruptive, don’t pay the rent, frighten others, hoard, etc. You can’t take away someone’s housing for those things if they own it!

Could you buy her a tiny house so she’ll have a place to live? That would reduce substantially her risk of homelessness.

As a PP said, I institutionalization isn’t a thing anymore for the mentally ill. It is for the developmentally delayed or those with physical impairments that prevent self care (like eating and toileting). She should already be on disability - if not, work on that.[/quote]

This is good advice and the pp that mentioned letting her have mother's home if she owns it - great idea. Likely she WILL need to live on her own until there are other reasons so living in mom's home would give her a stable spot. Ways you could help would be things like - paying for people to come take care of the yard once a month, having someone come clean and generally doing some house upkeep so the house doesn't fall into TOTAL disrepair as she likely won't be able to keep up with all of that and will lead to a better quality of life for her if it's taken care of and she can just focus on groceries, etc. Also, it's possible that her daughter will provide a very supportive role if she is 20+ when this happens. Though it would be VERY kind of you to help her navigate it, and potentially provide some funds if you are able so that her mom's quality of life can stay ok.[/quote]

My husband and I would like to avoid her daughter having to take care of her. We have seen what a burden that can be. Given the location of their town and the economy there it would basically mean the daughter would give up her life. She is so smart and deserves every chance to go to college (we are paying for her to go to college). I just don't want her stuck in this very poor rural town with nothing to do for the rest of her mom's life. I also think she already resents her mom as she has been essentially been the adult in their relationship her entire life so far (she helps makes sure her mom eats). I don't know it just sucks. [/quote]

Pp here. It really does suck op, I'm so sorry. For all of you (sister very much included). I appreciate this and is a great thing to provide your support to sister and niece so that niece isn't completely burdened by this. It is possible that daughter will still WANT to have more interaction and involvement than you anticipate. It may not be the case, but in many cases especially for a child that has been parentified like you describe, the entanglement can sometimes be a lot AND at the end of the day she will be considered the closest relative once she's over 18 (and in most states the power of attorney by default unless new forms are signed) so, you may want to prepare yourself to support her and let her be involved in some of the decisions. If you all are taking on much of this (having groceries delivered, having someone take care of the yard) it can take a burden off. And it may still be tough for your niece to leave. Mostly I just want to say keep your expectations to a minimum and try to go in with the understanding that this will likely be very complicated for your niece, despite your generous offer to pay for college so be empathic as she navigates this and tries to learn how to have boundaries with her mom.

The pp above had some good advice and I wanted to say is there a reason instead of buying a new property that when mother dies you could just pay off the mortgage of the current property? It may be a lot easier on your SIL to remain in the place she knows and is comfortable and easier on all of you than trying to move her. It's just something to consider. 
[/quote]

Mainly just the size of the property (and it I kind of old and not in the best of shape). But it is a large house  with a large yard so it seems like a lot to take care of. [/quote]

ok that makes total sense! Buying her a small place somewhere else does sound way more reasonable but will still give her stability without a landlord etc.[/quote]

It does not necessarily make sense for OP to buy a property for her SIL (or to have property or any assets in her name). I know you are trying to give well-intentioned advice, but I am guessing this is not a situation you have actually dealt with.[/quote]

I’m in a similar situation with SIL but she does not have kids. She is currently living with my MIL in a condo after abandoning several rented apartments in succession when her hoarding became too much to undo in each one. MIL cooks and cleans for her but eventually this will be too much. I worry about the situation a lot. The tricky part of the condo is that if it ever became SIL’s place where she lived alone, she would not be able to keep up with it but also wouldn’t be able to exit it the way she walked away from her rentals. DH and I know it will be our problem eventually.

Still, I think owning is the most stable if you can control costs and come to terms with having to manage her house stuff. My second priority would be supporting your MIL and niece and giving them both a life that is as separate from SIL as possible.[/quote]

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