Reply to When people receiving meals also sign up to give meals

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is why I hate meal trains. They get organized for situations that don't merit it, and people often participate simply out of obligation rather than because it's really necessary.

When I had a baby, a friend offered to organize a meal train and I said no because I really did not want a bunch of acquaintances making dinner for us. We didn't need that. But it's funny because I actually would have appreciated if some of our close friends had dropped of food. Not even meals, even just like "here are some grocery store cookies, hope y'all are okay." It was weird that for my friend it was all or nothing -- either we needed a two week meal train organized so that 10 families, half of whom we don't even know well, could organize and prepare all our meals. OR we were fine and needed nothing. But the truth was in between. A little something would have been nice, we didn't need a whole production.

I think that's usually the case.[/quote]

If you told her you didn't need it, what was she supposed to think?[/quote]

Why is it all or nothing?

I think most new parents appreciate small and thoughtful gifts of food from close friends or family. I remember a neighbor dropped off a small casserole the day we came home from the hospital after an extra long stay post birth and I was sooooo grateful and thrilled. We just would have ordered pizza otherwise, but it felt good to not even have to bother and it also made me feel good to have been remembered in that way.

But I would have turned down a two week meal train because it's not like we were unable to feed ourselves. I would not have wanted anything that coordinated and I wouldn't want anyone to feel compelled to participate. We had family coming in a few days and we had some frozen stuff in the freezer, and after a couple days to acclimate my DH could cook even as I was still recovering and busy nursing. But having a few friends drop things off helped us feel loved and supported.[/quote]

Because you told her that you didn't want food.  When you did that, you could have said, "Well, maybe one or two meals."  But you didn't.  You told her that it was unwanted and she tried to respect your wishes.  People are criticized for bringing things without them being wanted and now you want her to be a mind reader.  Examine your own ability to advocate for yourself and your expectations for your friends.[/quote]

What? First of all, people who are struggling to get sleep and having a hard time should not have to do all the heavy lifting here. The point is that maybe next time someone you know has a baby, say "Hey, how are you guys on food? Need any help there?" and then LISTEN to their response and provide help as appropriate to the situation. Instead of just instantly offering to put together an elaborate meal train and if they say "oh, no -- that's too much, we don't need that much help" getting mad and withdrawing any help or support at all.

Like stop being hostile to the people you are trying to "help". One of my pet peeves is people who use charity as a weapon -- you're going to take what I have to give and like it!

Anyway, examine your expectations of people who are struggling and maybe work on your listening and communication skills instead of assuming that you know what everyone needs and that anyone gently turns down help that does not suit their needs must be the problem.[/quote]

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