Reply to Friend just told me her child is transgender

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My son is trans. When I told people, it was just to share information. I had a support system to vent to and share feelings with while he transitioned. I mostly told people so they wouldn't be lost when I said my son instead of my daughter, and so they could use his new name if they saw him. The best responses were along the lines of "thanks for letting me know. Please correct me if I mess up and use the wrong name or pronoun." I could tell it was awkward for some people to ask questions, but I was happy to answer any questions about the transition process. Many people don't know (or don't know they know) trans people, don't really think about it until someone they know transitions, and don't really know what resources are available to learn about it. [/quote]

One of my dearest friends and my kid's friends become trans a few years ago. I have been openly supportive and I genuinely love the kid and the family, but let's also be clear: it's their experience that has radicalized me against children transitioning.

I wouldn't share that with the family. But the rapidity with which that kid was put on blockers, cross sex hormones at 15.... And the change in them.... I've seen a kid go from being fairly happy go lucky go withdrawn, depressed, anorexic, and completely obsessed with their appearance and presentation.

You might say that's just being a teen and perhaps it is. But the difference between my kid and their friend is astonishing... And my kid isn't popular or gender conforming. They just don't give a damn. [/quote]

You probably don’t know all the details. I mean, I’m sure you think you do, but there’s no way you can. I’m sure some people thought we moved too quickly, but they don’t know about the years of therapy for anxiety and depression before coming out, then the year+ of therapy with a gender specialist before we did anything beyond changing hair and wardrobe. We researched everything, every step, and discussed the options with our child before coming to decisions and carrying them out. We didn’t advertise to friends and family, so I’m sure changes seemed sudden.

I think it’s unfair that you’re comparing their child to yours. It sounds like two different situations, plus they’re entirely different people with different personalities. The question is, are they happier now than if treatment had been withheld. You can’t know that, but the parents and child probably have a decent idea. My son still has anxiety and depression. The pandemic made that worse. He seems much less happy, not to mention happy go lucky, than his peers. But I don’t think I’d still have a living child if he hadn’t transitioned.

And one reason many trans people put so much consideration into their appearance is they’re judged so harshly for it. [/quote]

I'm sorry for your family's struggle. It's not uncommon and it is unfortunate, and I'd agree, the pandemic didn't help.

However, you aren't my friend or their family, and I do know for a fact their child didn't have much oversight.

My child probably has shorter hair than yours. We just don't consider it to be something that has to do with their gender. [/quote]

The fact that you’re suggesting trans kids are basing gender identity on their hairstyle says a lot about you. The only people I know who make comments about someone’s gender based on their hairstyles are ultra conservatives who make fun of guys who have hair past their collars and call them sissies and who call girls with short hair all sorts of names. My son is trans whether he has short or long hair. His hair is long right now, as a matter of fact. I’m sure your child’s hair is more about their preferences, personality, style, facial structure, and probably a lot of other personal choices rather than gender.

Also, I’m not sure why your friends choices make you opposed to all children transitioning. Just because they chose not to educate themselves about the process doesn’t mean everyone plays fast and loose with medical decisions for their kids. Decisions like that should be between the families and their doctors, not legislators, just like women’s health and treatment should be private and not decided by people who’ve never dealt with the issues first hand. [/quote]

I wasn't saying it has anything to do with hairstyle.

It was the poster talking about the their son who said hairstyle was one of the first things they did, before medical intervention. To me, that suggests that to their kid, hairstyle was a big part of this. Hairstyle and fashion. How could it be otherwise? What does someone barely in puberty actually *know* about being either gender as an adult?

It's my opinion, not a lot.

I have so many gay friends who would probably be considered trans kids if they were growing up today. And yet, being gay, loving the bodies they're in and being attracted to bodies like theirs... That's a huge part of it.

You say this isn't about appearance, or genitals, but then you're actually medicalizing kids to make it all about those things.

I would be thrilled if gender truly didn't matter. But what I see going on here is a codifying and defining of cosmetic gender attributes that would make a 50s nuclear family look like swingers. [/quote]

You need to educate yourself a bit more. I'm the PP with a trans son. You suggested that I didn't learn about treatments before treating my child. You also threw around a lot of info about my child's age/puberty progress at the time of treatment that didn't come from my post or from reality. You're making up "facts" based on your limited information based on your perception of how one family handled a private medical decision and trying to discourage others from choosing to transition. You also misgendered my child. It's strange to me that you'd do that, and either means you're more ignorant on this subject than I realized (leading me back to the idea that you don't know as much as you think you know about your friend's child's journey, because using someone's preferred pronouns is very basic) or you're just mean spirited and disrespectful.

I brought up hairstyle and wardrobe because they're the outward parts of transitioning that people see and notice. Our society embraces gender stereotypes, so people notice when someone changes their hair and wardrobe.

At least you're honest in your previous post when you said you're radicalized against transitioning. That's clear. Thanks for being honest about that. [/quote]

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