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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]**I understand this is a privileged problem but its also a problem**

My inlaws were very successful immigrants and DH is an only child.  They have resented that we haven't let them excessively spoil our 3 kids like they want to (we're not talking about a few extra toys and treats....like really ridiculous things that would actually spoil the kids if allowed).  They do it to try to be the most loved / see huge reactions from the kids etc....its a very self serving desire to spoil and not in the kids interests to have their every wish granted and every burden relieved by throwing money at it.

They informed us on our last visit that they've established a trust for each child to get several million when they turn 18 and "its between us and our grandkids and there's nothing you can do about it".  We don't need the money ourselves, but I absolutely 100% DO NOT want my children to be given millions of dollars as a young adult.  I've seen kids lose motivation entirely when they can float by for awhile and see absolutely no good in this.  Why not set up a trust for when they're older so they still need to pick a career but have more flexibility to not have to save for retirement or some other way where an 18yo isn't being given a stupid amount of money when they're still trying to figure out life.

DH hates this also but is sticking his head in the sand b/c he feels enormous pressure and guilt from his parents.  Is there anything at all we can do about this?[/quote]

OP I totally get it. I think people are quick to roll their eyes when privileged people share these things. It is why a lot of emotional, verbal and physical abuse in wealthy families gets swept under the rug. They are being entitled and potentially abusive with their money in the opposite way of what people complain about on here. In stead of saying " we have money and you can't have it!", they are flaunting their money, undermining your parenting and potentially causing a harmful situation to their grandchildren in an effort to buy love.

Here are safe and healthy ways to throw money around as a grandparent:
-Putting it into a 529 for grandkid
-helping pay medical expenses for a grandkid with health issues or paying for therapies for a grandkid with special needs
-Putting it in a trust where they only get a small percentage at 25, more at 35 and the rest at say 40 or 45
-oaying for private school

Here are unhealthy ways to throw money around as grandparents:
-buying 16 year old a fancy new car without parental permission
-Giving large sums of money to teenagers or young adults without parental input
-Paying for trips or other things the parents already forbid when the kid is under 18
-buying unsafe "toys" like a motorcycle, or vespa to make grandkid happy

Honestly, this would be worthy of getting into couple's counseling. They have the potential to cause great harm to your kids if your kids are not mature and responsible enough to deal with the responsibility of that much money.
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