Reply to “The Harsh Reality of Gentle Parenting”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think empathy, modeling the behavior you want to see, and getting away from shame all make sense, but also think there are some parts of gentle parenting philosophy that are actively bad for parents and kids.

[b]I think advice that tells parents (moms) that they can't express a full range of emotions is really problematic (the go in the garage and scream in a pillow rather than show frustration or anger in front of your child-to me that is messed up.

More harmful to me as the parent of a kid with anxiety is the constant smoothing of the path for kids. [/b]The experts in my life keep stressing that my role as a parent is to help my kid build distress tolerance. Kids need to know that they can hear "no" and they will be okay, that someone can be angry at them and they will be okay. If you don't have those small experiences of suffering and recovering through childhood-how do you get to a place where failing a test in college, or getting negative feedback from a boss is something you accept, recover, and work through. I see young people in my life who do not seem to be able to navigate even small adversities without falling apart and I wonder if there is a connection to this style of parenting.[/quote]

I agree and think both of these are real risks and it doesn't help when parenting in the later years and leads to burnout.

[b]I found that most parents struggled with trying to get their toddlers and preschoolers to stop doing things that totally just didn't matter at all.  [/b]

I recall my friend getting into this ridiculously long session of back and forth with her almost 3 yr old because he wouldn't sit at the table to eat snack.  I couldn't believe she could be so vested in that. She felt that if he didn't follow what she said now it would cascade over to other areas. It ended up with crying and threats of no snack and so no.  I seem to recall he wanted to sit on the steps that led down into their family area/playroom. I didn't have the heart to tell her at home we let our child stand next to the table at dinner and eat. Yeah it was weird but we let her as long as she stood in one place and didn't run around. So for a few months, she put her plate on her chair and stood there and ate. We of course sat at the table and ate. One day she said she wanted her plate on the table and from then on she sat at the table and ate.  She is now a teen, doesn't remember a thing about it, and can't believe she ever did something like that. [/quote]

I see this all the time. Parents trying to control too many things (most of which don't matter at all) and ending up not controlling any at all. Food is a big one. Just the other day I saw several parents trying to force their children to wear jackets during outside play. The children wanted to play without wearing the jackets and for some reason it was a big deal for their mothers. A lot of crying, arguing etc. [/quote]

Yeah, I agree. I lean more authoritative but I don’t generally do the big meal control thing. Let’s try and eat together sure, but flexible seating and no expectations about remaining at table for X minutes. This might be because we can’t really all fit in the kitchen. And jackets? I wouldn’t fight over that. I save my energy for making sure chores are done, family members respect each other and there’s not hitting (toddlers ugh). [/quote]

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