Reply to “The Harsh Reality of Gentle Parenting”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m a mental health professional and loved this article. There is a lot to like in gentle parenting but the ideas that parents should constantly disguise their emotional state is a big problem. There’s a world of difference between “you make mommy sad!” and a gauzy, cooing “it seems like you’re having such a good time hitting mommy in the face with your train’” type response. Also, the part about hitting the little sister was perfect example of the excesses/absurdity of the gentle parenting ethos. [/quote]

I’m sorry to say I’m disappointed that a mental health professional is so uninformed about the parenting approach that parents, maybe your clients, are trying to use.[/quote]

What I’m seeing is women who feel like they are something approaching monsters when they say something as un-gentle as “that’s enough, Liam. Put grandma’s urn down now please.” Like I said, there’s a lot to like about gentle parenting but to the extant that people are trying to emulate unrealistic gentle parenting influencers there is a downside. [/quote]

If women are worried about saying stuff like that, it's not because of gentle parenting, it's because we live in a culture with unrealistic expectations for women and they don't feel they can do anything right. I don't know a single gentle parenting advocate who would have a single problem with this woman telling Liam to put down grandma's urn before he breaks it.

Basically half of gentle parenting advice is about helping parents self-regulate so that they can deal with their kids without getting so worked up. Seriously, this is mostly why I use it -- it's about getting myself in a good headspace so I don't lose my cool. The empathy stuff with kids is also helpful at times because it can help solve problems where you really have no idea why your kid is doing something and you need to get it before you can address it. But you don't have to empathize with your kids 100% of the time, mostly just when they are clearly out of control or having persistent problems around the same issues. The rest of the time you can expect them to self-regulate. And then you can focus on your own needs and making sure they are being met so that if/when something does go wrong, you are in a headspace to handle it calmly instead of resorting to yelling (which everyone knows doesn't work! which is the whole point!).

Gentle parenting isn't about being a martyr. At all. It's literally just about not screaming at your kids and ordering them around and feeling like a drill sergeant all the time. Which is how a lot of moms feel when their kids aren't listening and they are out of ideas for how to get them to listen. Gentle parenting is like, here, have some other ideas! They might help.[/quote]

There are ways to offer choices and empathize and not feel guilty about not having a (non-yelling or shaming but serious l) come to Jesus with a 4 year old who keeps hitting his baby sister. Authoritative (note-not authoritarian) is one. Gentle parenting advocates suggest even “good work on cleaning up your toys!” or “you need to put your shoes on right now” are problematic. I think over reliance on carrots and sticks CAN be problematic but so can some aspects of gentle parenting dogma. [/quote]

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