Reply to WWYD - my mother uses my house like a free hotel...

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Go away for the weekend. Leave Thursday night. Do not leave a key. Tell her as you’re leaving town that evening. [/quote]

And then the next weekend, tell her that your friend from college is coming into town, so there’s no room for her. Mom will have to get a hotel.

And then the third weekend, tell her the house is getting painted. After 3 weeks of having to make other arrangements, tell her that it’s not working for her to come stay with you. Not on air mattress or a couch. Not for a night. By then you will have enjoyed some time away from her and had the resolve to deal with her drama. And she will have figured out what it looks like to make other arrangements. [/quote]

This.  
Also, invite people over for dinner or long afternoon BBQ.  Especially people she may not like.  Put her to task for entertaining. ("Mother, can you be in charge of grilling?")  Better yet, put her on the cleanup task.[/quote]

New poster. All these ideas sound good on the surface and would give mom a big hint, but frankly, all the above ideas are game-playing that would mean OP would have to go to a LOT of effort -- plan a weekend away (haul the kids...where, and for how much $ out of OP's pocket, just to avoid mom?); paint something (because if OP just lies about a painter coming, it's a pretty obvious lie when mom next visits and sees....nothing was painted) and so on.

Instead of playing games, OP, use your words. This post from above put it very well:

"This. Unfortunately, you will have to have uncomfortable conversations with your mom if you want it to change. I had to do this with my parents and brother after years of abusive treatment. Once I told them they will not be able to see my kids unless they change their behavior, things have been very different. I’m not saying your mom is abusive but you mentioned she could get angry if you are honest with her. You may have to see what happens if you want it to change. Try in the gentlest of terms initially and if that doesn’t work, just be brutally honest, that you need that time as just your family. She may be angry but eventually will get over it. I guess the first step is deciding what you can tolerate and than communicating that to her. Good luck."

I think a big complicating factor, OP, is whether these appointments are-- as some have guessed above -- AA or other "anonymous" meetings? Or possibly appointments with a therapist--? You do NOT have to tell us whether either is the case, but be aware that if this is true, your mom likely is very attached to her routine of keeping her same AA group/sponsor or same therapist and having the added routine of staying with you etc. That's likely why she didn't make an effort to find a new group or therapist when she moved. She knows this group/sponsor/therapist and is comfortable with them. But that does not mean you have to be her hotel, especially in your smaller home, OP. You're going to  have to have the uncomfortable conversation like the PP above describes. You could consider setting up a very specific overnight visit, say, once a month, but the weekly stuff sounds invasive. I'd get a real bed for the guest room, tell her that the couch isn't for sleeping any more (and stick to that), and she's welcome once a month and the kids will love it. I'd even have her maybe for dinner when she comes into town weekly. But the overnights sound like just too much. [/quote]

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