Reply to Talking to parents of non-binary kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Our kid uses "they" and a preferred name with friends/outside the house, but keeps their old name/pronoun with us.  I think it's to hold onto a familiar identity as they explore new identity outside.  We used the new name/pronoun for awhile but then shifted when relatives visited and then they didn't ask to go back to it.  So I think there's a whole range--not just keeping it secret from family.  [/quote]

May I ask you an honest question? Why do you allow this?[/quote]

Allow what?  Allow them to explore their identity? Why would I try to control that?  [/quote]

Well, gee, I don't know. Perhaps because the role of a parent is to provide guidance, perspective, wisdom and experience, rather than turn them over to the wilds of the internet and fads of the day, to "explore their identity?"  Not to mention, keeping your kid grounded in reality?[/quote]

I don't see it the way you do.  Societies have had to work very hard to enforce gender norms and adolescence has always been a time for identity exploration.  There's just less shame around gender variance now.  Is it a little faddish? Maybe.  For some kids is it genuine? Yes.  I don't see it as a big deal.  My kid does chores, does excellent in school, is honest and trustworthy, is kind etc.  I think I'm doing a decent job as a parent, and I have two older kids launched successfully as well.  I think they are all grounded in reality just fine.  We've talked about their gender identity and what they think about it.  I've asked questions.  It's not my role to lay down the law about how they feel about themselves and who they are, rather to be a sounding board for what they are thinking.  
I disagree with your views on my parenting and think that I'm providing perspective and experience--including my experience with many friends on the LGTBQ+ spectrum.[/quote]

What a lovely response![/quote]

Agree! Parent to a trans teen (who's now a legal adult) and the above completely aligns with our experience. Another note: when my child is present, I will 100% use correct pronouns. Sure, I occasionally mess up, but I apologize & try harder (my child does not just roll with deadname/old pronouns as it's hurtful & contributes to gender dysphoria). I sometimes roll with the dead name/pronouns if it's someone I don't have the time or energy to educate, and my child is not present. I wouldn't read into that any sense of our family not 'being on board' or secretly wanting to preserve prior identity. It's still fairly stigmatized, even if "faddish," so I choose the conversations I'd like to have with closer friends & family to more deeply explain the situation. I don't always want to do the emotional work of fleshing out my child's personal, private identity to people outside our inner circle. For this reason, I think my child is unlikely to move back home after college. I do not think the attention attached to gender nonconformity in our child's case is desired. My child has told me that they'd like to be perceived as the new gender & to "pass," contrary to what some resistant PPs seem to believe.[/quote]

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