Reply to What to do when kids overhear one spouse pushing the other one?

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Reply to "What to do when kids overhear one spouse pushing the other one?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]People argue, so what? Your kids are old enough to know that their parents aren't perfect. They aren't going to be traumatized. Carry on. [/quote]

Kids aren’t going to be traumatized by dad getting physical with mom? You’re full of it. [/quote]

Remember the factual narrative was the Mom's version.  Who knows exactly what happened in that room.  The Mom admitted they have a bad marriage asked for people not to be judgmental, so please follow her wishes and avoid the DCUM "blame the man" narrative.[/quote]

Okay this is wild to me. Why do people read a post, decide the OP is flat-out lying, and the respond based on the assumption that OP is lying? Sure, OP could be lying. OP could be making the whole thing up. That happens all the time on the internet. But what’s the point of giving advice or responding anything but “I think you’re lying because women lie” if you don’t believe OP? [/quote]

NP. There could be five million things happening here, none of which a third person observer is qualified to comment on at a distance. The important thing is that OP get herself and her husband into counseling, and her family into counseling, so they can figure out what the next steps should be. No one wants to live like this but they seem to be at an impasse. [/quote]

If OP’s statements are true, the kids can indeed be traumatized by what happened. Not feeling safe (because the people who are supposed to keep you safe are physically fighting) is classic. PP was implying that we don’t know what happened in the room so we can’t say they were traumatized. Well sure but what’s the point of replying if you’re just going to change OP’s narrative? [/quote]

OP specifically said, I'm not asking for judgment about my marriage. The judgments either way about him or her are irrelevant. No one was there.

OP says herself that he pulled her shoulder to keep her from leaving and she fell back at that point. I can see how a reasonable person might think, I didn't intend for her to fall, and I didn't push her. Moreover, if there is a power struggle in the relationship, which it sounds like there is just from the tone of the exchange, it's possible that he might fear her manipulating the facts AND that she might fear the same. None of this is really up to us to determine. And frankly, if you saw the same incident from both of their perspectives it might be pretty complicated. So the important thing that OP is focusing on is damage control. And I do think she and her family would be best served by stepping away from the argument about facts, which no one agrees on, to a decision about actions moving forward. Family therapy seems like a good place to start. If they want to stay married, then absolutely couples counseling. But those of you saying it's this or it's that or definitely divorce are jumping the gun a bit. [/quote]

Oh goodness. That was a lot of words to second-guess what OP is saying and to speculate on what her husband might be thinking. (Frankly sounds very similar to what an enabler would say.) So you’re doing exactly what I said you’re doing: giving advice based not on the post but speculation about what isn’t in the post. Why question her account? What’s the point? Sure, if she was lying then the advice here wouldn’t apply but if you don’t believe her what is even the point of giving advice?

But the original comment was about the kids’ potential trauma. Unless you’re going to again veer away from the facts OP stated, the kids are worried and don’t feel safe. They heard something and are texting about it. That lack of security can cause trauma. The person who said we weren’t there we don’t know if there was trauma don’t assume it’s the man’s fault is just accusing OP of lying. Which is an especially shitty thing to do to somebody whose account demonstrates classic gaslighting.

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