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[quote=Anonymous]The dynamics are really different between me and my kids versus me and my spouse. I empathize with my kids all the time and don't expect them to empathize with me. Sometimes they do, which is great on two levels because it just feels good to be understood but also because it means I'm doing a good job of teaching them how empathy works, which is part of parenting goals. But I don't expect it to be equal at this point in our lives. When they are adults I will feel different and I will expect them to reciprocate my empathy because I will consider us equals who both owe each other respect and kindness. But now they are little and I cut them a huge amount of slack because I think they need it. They are learning.

Totally different deal with my DH. It's not a quid pro quo or anything, but in adult relationships, empathy has to be reciprocal or it can get into a user or abusive relationship and I have no interest in that. There has to be more balance and it's okay to call each other out on this to help keep in in check, in my opinion. I have tons of empathy for my DH and he for me, but also sometimes we're both drained and one of us is demanding a lot of listening or empathy from the other and he or I will say, "Ok, but I don't have capacity for this right now." And that is FINE. I mean, we don't do it if someone is like "I need to process some feelings I'm having about my dad's death." But yeah, if my DH comes home from the post office ranting about a bad experience and I am just at my limit for the day, I have no problem telling him "Sorry, this cannot be my problem today." And, because he's an adult with emotional regulation skills, he'll deal with that and go for a run or call his brother or whatever he needs to do.

Adults who demand empathy 100% of the time over every single thing are really hard to deal with. I think it can come from an honest place where they maybe didn't get the support they needed as children and therefore are still learning to emotionally regulate and wind up asking a lot from the people in their lives (been there, actually) but as someone who has been through this, one of the best things you can do as a fellow adult in that situation is say "Your feelings are valid and also I don't have the bandwidth to process them with you right now." Learning to accept that is a mark of maturity and takes work, but it's also something that every adult should aspire to because otherwise sh!t just does to work. We can't all go around emoting all the time asking for empathy over every little thing. Kids can, but adults really do have to just sack up sometimes.[/quote]

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