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[quote=Anonymous]Like others have said, I’m not sure why it has to be an either or thing. I’m also wondering if people are not realizing that you can be empathetic and also view the world differently.  My husband was talking about the state of the country awhile back and he was worried. I listened for a bit then said “Well, we survived the 1790’s” and gave some examples of what was said and done back then.  Point being, I was able to listen to him, care about what he was saying and still disagree I hope respectfully that what he was saying was anything to worry about.  I also knew my limits, even if I had agreed something was wrong, I’m a nobody. I can’t call the president and say “Hey Joe, you really need to fix this s***”. Better to focus my energy on what I can, the comfort and wellbeing of my kids and husband, things that make me happy, then worry about things I have absolutely no control over.

Kids are a little different, they are still learning, though even that doesn’t give them unlimited access to “you’re right honey” not unless you feel that way.

I can remember when one of my kids was all worried about what would happen if a tornado hit Grandma’s house. Grandma doesn’t have a basement, and this really bothered her. My mom took my kid aside, showed her exactly what they’d do if a tornado was headed their way.  My dad said “I’ve lived in this house for over 20 years.. I’ve lived on the planet for over 70 years, you know what, I just don’t worry about this.. I might if we lived in Kansas, but we don’t. For me, this just isn’t worth worrying about”. Both attitudes were/are valid.Nobody was nasty, in fact my dad’s comments made me laugh, they were a nice balance to my kid “but I don’t want you guys to die” feelings. My dad even told her “I don’t want to die either, but I’m also not going to let a tornado that isn’t here on a beautiful clear day worry me”. There is something to be said for each approach.  
Realize too that adults can solve problems kids don’t have the power to do. Nothing is a big deal when you can buy the ice cream, get the candy, go the park or not go to the park.. adults have power and abilities that seem magical to kids. It’s important to remember that, and why I get puzzled when parents go “now Johnny, is this  big problem or a little problem?” Obviously Johnny thinks it’s a big problem or he wouldn’t be upset.  It’s only  a little problem because you as the adult can resolve it with no loss to your comfort.

I certainly wouldn’t spread myself so thin in one direction that I couldn’t be kind to my spouse.  I know I’d be infuriated if my spouse told me “that’s life” if a neighbor took my parking space or my trash can, especially if my spouse wasn’t there to deal with the inconvenience.  If “it’s just a story I’m telling you”, you don’t get to tell me it isn’t a big deal. You didn’t feel the frustration, (now I have to carry a fussy toddler and then go back for the groceries and do this all solo) the confusion, (wait, maybe I did bring in the trash can), and tell me blithely” It’s not a big deal”.    I’d be angry that he put my comfort below that of someone he isn’t sharing a life with, especially if that person did something wrong.   If I tell him something upset me, he needs to listen and say “if parking is this upsetting, do you want to move?”  Not everybody has to worry about where they can park their car when they get home.  I’d need to know that he cared about me to realize I had a problem, I thought enough of it to tell him, I needed a resolution, even if it’s “we don’t need to go to that movie theater anymore”  Ditto for rude customer service, “that’s life” isn’t something anybody needs to hear when I’ve dealt with a person who’s sole purpose is to get paid to solve a problem that is within their scope.  Better to say “Call their boss” or “I’ve been fine at that store, next time I’ll handle it”. Part of why I feel this way is that women can and are minimized in ways men simply aren’t.  I’ve never heard men say “we moved from the townhouses because parking sucked” the way I’ve heard women say it.

As for the news, if I was upset, I’d want my spouse to at least listen knowing that news stories will impact us differently at different points in our lives. “I don’t have time for this” would make me really think about the marriage, especially if I’d never gotten upset about a house fire or a dead baby before.  I’d want my spouse to at least ask me “why does this bother you?” Maybe you have a baby.  Maybe something about the house fire reminded you of your house or one of your routines. Part of a relationship with anybody is finding out what makes them tick.

Finally, I do think some people use empathy to get attention.  Not everything is worth crying about all the time as my dad would say. There is indeed some nasty stuff in this world.  There is also a lot of good too. It’s worth remembering that. 
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