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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

OP - I see that you are accomplishing little by planning on going for months at a time.  Since you are out there now, have you done a "clear head" assessment of the situation with both parents in terms of:  What their basic health conditions are?  Ways that they could be managed locally? What their monthly income is versus what their basic monthly expenses are? What exactly is your sister able to do -- to handle her own life?  to help handle your parents' affairs?

Between you and your brother, try and get your sister to support the best decision that might be made between the three of you to see who might have Power of Attorney over legal affairs, Health Care Proxy in helping parent make health care decisions or doing so as needed. Can divide up the tasks that might be done to help out from afar and those needing local attention, then perhaps you will find a better balance.  Your own children and husband (unless young adults themselves) really need your primary attention.

Then, have you taken the time to see what services they might qualify for in their community - using them is an entirely different questions, but learning what exists could be a start.  If they are both really at-risk, then see if they could qualify for a social worker to help guide them through services or could you and your sane brother "together" find a local "care coordinator" with an agency that you would pay to do certain things even if it was just a monthly wellness check to alert you to any serious downturn.  If you and your brother could get the parents' OK to take on some basic services, such as one of you taking over their financial affairs at least as far as having access to being able to pay their bills and seeing they are paid.   The other might consider getting them set up with meals on wheels, or other area food pantry programs if your sister with OCD could manage to go there for them or just trying two work with the three of them to order food from a local store with delivery so again you have a basic idea of what they are eating and staying within a budget or not.
If the house is not being kept up, then covering the cost of a cleaning person once a month and individual (rather than an expensive lawn service) to do the yard work every so often.

It really sounds as if you may have three persons with issues in the one house as I have seen it happen that parents will not want to leave the home for care they need elsewhere because they fear what will happen to their dependent adult child.  So, maybe start asking about services for her, too, if she is limited by her mental health issues.  You do have a lot on your plate, but your prolonged presence may not be the needed change agent.[/quote]

OP here. I truly appreciate your advice but suspect you are a social worker of some kind. The reason I say this is because the answers are standard without a true understanding of family needs.

1) Meals on wheels? Food is terrible and only good for those who truly can't eat anything else due to poverty
2) In my case, my sister is OCD about visitors in her space, but truly a champ reading helping out with everything else regarding my parents
3) My brother is marginally helpful (again my case). He's here as my gift to my parents and that's it

What happened: after my Dad's stroke, my mother fell apart. Her doctor refused to give us any sort of a letter declaring mental incapacity, even while pumping her full of ativan so she could cope. Without that, I could not move their money from a risky fund to a more stable fund. 400K turned into 22K due to the risk. So the medical community failed us. Yes, we called their lawyer. His hands were tied. Yes we called a social worker. Hands were tied. Her doctor had ALL THE CONTROL and refused to help. The situation is solvable 5 years later by again, selling the house, moving them to wherever they want. Rent a similar home in the same community. Move back East (now my mother and father want to do this) to a house my husband and I own. Move to assisted living (which is fine with them too). I could have done without being called every name in the book by friends and family who 'felt bad for my mother' and called me a selfish c*nt. I had to sit and watch them crash and burn because everyone was too busy not seeing reality. There was not ONE AGENCY that could help us. Useless.

So all your health care proxy etc, are grand ideas until people won't cooperate. And trust me they don't. Even after my mother had three bad falls where she broke bones. Even after my father had a major stroke. There were plenty of people who wanted to prey on the situation though. They were in abundance.[/quote]

DP, but again, OP, you can't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Meals on Wheels food is "terrible"?  It's food.  Stop complaining.

Your sister is OCD about her space but otherwise a champ?  Stay in a hotel.

Your brother is only marginally helpful?  Assign him small tasks he can do and let it go.

I'm not saying this stuff is easy, because it's not, but you have GOT to do the work of setting boundaries and prioritizing before anything else.  If you don't know how far you're willing to go, you'll go too far and get lost.[/quote]

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