Reply to Anybody read tomorrow’s Carolyn Hax?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Carolyn Hax can go either way for me, but I thought her response was spot on in this case.  I was in a relationship where this was an issue. We could be arguing about the most simplistic thing (like, could you please clean up after yourself when you spill coffee on the kitchen counter?) and their response would always be defensive.  Most of our arguments were derailed by their "off ramps" from the argument.  It's a diversion tactic to move away from the issue at hand and change the narrative to where spouse becomes the victim, the actual issue is forgotten about, and the argument becomes about ME -- my tone, my timing of raising an issue while they're stressed from work (they're always stressed from work!), I'm not listening to their response... It's manipulative as hell.  [/quote]

Yes! (OP here) he gets defensive and then I have to make sure he's OK. Yes. He gets defensive and paints himself the victem, as if I really think he's the word person in the word.

I just thought he was insecure. But that's not it at all, is it? He's secure as hell and is manipulating me.[/quote]

He's insecure AND he's manipulating you.

He's defensive because he really does feel like he did something wrong.  He knows that he is supposed to clean up the coffee from the kitchen counter, and he feels bad about it.  He can't handle the bad feeling on his own, so he makes you make him feel better.  
[/quote]

So what to do about it?[/quote]

Speaking as a wife, not an advice columnist, you:
1)  become a dom in the bedroom.  He is going to be punished for not cleaning up that coffee.  Remind him of that when he forgets.  That makes it kind of fun and sexy, but it's still a negative reinforcement, and he's got to clean up the coffee.  
2)  Make damn sure that YOU clean up the coffee every time (and anything else you said that you would do).  He probably holds you to an even higher standard than he holds himself and notes every time you are "hypocritical."

Not saying that this makes for a great, healthy relationship.  I am sure that seeing a therapist and working on your own issues with boundaries and why you married a person like this would be the healthier approach.  But it's a good band-aid :)[/quote]

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